Absurd Wisdom

Scientists have confirmed that once a minute has passed, that minute is no longer present. No method has been found to reverse this.

Best used for: Drop this in a group chat to cause confusion — or use it to open a conversation about absolutely nothing

People who bring an umbrella tend to stay dry when it rains. Those without an umbrella experience the opposite. This phenomenon has been observed in both groups.

Best used for: Send to a friend who forgot their umbrella — maximum effect guaranteed

Research indicates that after a person finishes all the food on their plate, there will no longer be food on the plate. Unless more is added.

Best used for: Send to a friend who says they're dieting but keeps eating — perfectly timed

However old you are is precisely how many years you have been alive. There are no exceptions to this, nor can there be.

Best used for: Send on someone's birthday — it'll make them pause more than any regular birthday message

When a person is asleep, it is generally because they are not awake. People who are awake, conversely, have not yet fallen asleep. Everyone has experienced both states.

Best used for: Perfect for 3am insomnia or to send to a friend who says they can't sleep

Money that has been spent is no longer in your possession. Money that has not been spent remains. Which of these applies depends on whether you have spent the money.

Best used for: Send to a friend who's broke at the end of the month — or to the one who keeps saying they'll save but never does

The number shown on a scale represents your current weight, regardless of how many times you step on it. Stepping on it more often will not make the number smaller. And yet, most people step on it again.

Best used for: Send to any friend on a diet or going to the gym — they'll feel personally attacked

Long-term observation shows that sunny days are characterized by an absence of rain. Rainy days are characterized by rain falling. Cloudy days fall somewhere between the two, though closer to one than the other.

Best used for: Send when the weather is bad — more accurate than any forecast while saying absolutely nothing

Everything that happened a long time ago can be referred to as something that happened in the past. Things that haven't happened yet remain, at this time, unhappened.

Best used for: Open your history essay with this — the teacher might pause; send to a history major for full effect

Before two strangers become friends, there exists a period during which they do not know each other. This period is defined as the time before they became friends.

Best used for: Tell a new friend 'before we knew each other, we didn't know each other' — accurate and entirely pointless

If you keep walking forward, you will find yourself increasingly far from where you started. If you walk back, the distance decreases. If you don't move, neither happens.

Best used for: Relatable when you've been 'planning' a trip for three hours without booking anything

Life is like this: Sometimes things go well, and sometimes they don't. When things go well, it's because they are going well. When they don't, it's the opposite. Both outcomes are possible.

Best used for: Send when a friend is venting — you've acknowledged their situation while offering zero actual advice

The things you don't understand remain things you don't understand — until you understand them. After that, you understand them. This process is called learning. Without learning, this process does not occur.

Best used for: Send to a friend who says 'I have no idea what I'm doing' before an exam — 50/50 chance of laughter or anger

When a phone has no battery, the screen goes dark and the device becomes unusable. After charging, the battery will contain charge. Plugging in a charger that is not connected to power has limited effect.

Best used for: Send to the person who asks 'why is my phone dead?' — precise, accurate, and completely unhelpful

After posting a story, people who have seen it have seen it. People who haven't seen it have not. After twenty-four hours, the story disappears. But who saw it or didn't — that is already a fact.

Best used for: Send to the friend obsessively checking their story views — give them a moment to quietly reconsider life

Before you finish a book, it is a book you have not yet finished. After you finish it, it becomes a book you have finished. If you never read it at all, it is a book you have not read. All three states depend on how much you have read.

Best used for: Send to a friend with a shelf full of unfinished books — they'll silently photograph their nightstand

When standing in a queue, the people in front of you arrived before you did. The people behind you joined the queue after you. When you reach the front, it is your turn. This rule applies in most queuing situations.

Best used for: Share with whoever's next to you in a long line — technically correct and a great icebreaker

In your phone contacts, there are people you have not messaged in a very long time. During that period, the number of messages exchanged between you was zero. This situation will continue for as long as neither party sends a message.

Best used for: Send this to a friend you've lost touch with — the perfect absurd icebreaker to restart a conversation

Scientists have observed that a cat, while sleeping, is generally not awake. A cat that is awake is, conversely, not asleep. Both states share one characteristic: the cat is not paying attention to you. This does not change regardless of how many times you call its name.

Best used for: Cat owners will recognize this not as nonsense, but as accurate scientific reporting

You sent a message. They read it, but have not yet replied. Until they reply, you are in the state of having been read but not answered. This state will continue until it no longer continues. No other outcomes are currently available.

Best used for: Send to a friend anxiously waiting for a reply — they'll either laugh or feel slightly worse, depending on the situation

A glass half full of water is a glass with water in half of it. The other half has no water. The optimist says: the glass is still half full. The pessimist says: the glass is already half empty. Regardless of interpretation, the amount of water has not changed. This is the only point of agreement between the two.

Best used for: Use this to open a philosophical discussion — your audience will pause for two seconds and then ask what you're actually trying to say

A person who has made a plan currently has a plan. A person who has not made a plan currently does not have a plan. A person executing their plan is in the process of executing it. A person not executing their plan has a plan that is not yet being executed. At any given moment, at least one of these four states applies to you.

Best used for: Send to the friend who has 'a plan but hasn't started yet' — invite them to identify which of these four boxes they're in

People attending a meeting are, while the meeting is in progress, inside the meeting. People who are not attending are not inside it. After the meeting ends, attendees leave the meeting room. Once they have left, they are no longer in the meeting room. This sequence of events occurs at the conclusion of every meeting.

Best used for: Read this out loud in a meeting room and count how many people nod in serious agreement

Long-term research confirms that a person who is hungry is, at that time, not full. After eating, the level of hunger decreases. In cases of overeating, fullness may be exceeded, entering the state of being stuffed. These three states generally occur in the order listed, though some individuals skip the second and proceed directly to the third.

Best used for: Say this mid-meal — whoever keeps reaching for more food will pretend not to hear, because they're actively skipping state two

The things you have forgotten are, after being forgotten, things you no longer remember. The things you still remember are currently present in your memory. The fundamental difference between these two categories is whether you remember them. If you have already forgotten something, you are typically unaware that you have. This is the core mechanism of forgetting.

Best used for: Send to the friend who says 'I can't remember at all' — a thorough examination of what forgetting actually means

A person who has started exercising has begun exercising earlier than someone who hasn't started yet. The person who has not yet started is currently still in the pre-start phase. The gap between them will reach zero once one of them begins. However, a person who intends to 'start on Monday' remains in the not-yet-started category until Monday actually arrives.

Best used for: Send to the friend who says 'I'm starting to exercise next week' every Sunday — let them quietly accept their current classification

If you are always catching other people's emotions, remember to let yourself land occasionally. Someone who is always in the air catching things had to run from somewhere to get there in the first place. Most people only realize this after they've already hit the ground. But this is also a fact.

Best used for: Send to the person who always takes care of everyone else and is rarely asked 'are you okay?' — technically obvious, genuinely meaningful

The experience of liking someone is usually only noticed by you after you already like them. Before noticing, you are generally unsure. After noticing, you wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. But before that moment, you were genuinely unsure. This process has occurred in many people, with few known exceptions.

Best used for: Send to a friend who is 'not sure what they're feeling' — reframes their emotional state through absurd-wisdom logic

Feeling better usually happens after a period during which you did not feel better. While you are not yet feeling better, you have not yet felt better. However, based on available records, the state of not feeling well is generally not permanent. This conclusion is admittedly difficult to accept while you are still in that state. These are the current findings.

Best used for: Send to a friend having a rough time — less intrusive than actual comfort, but says exactly the same thing underneath

Long-term observation confirms that those who complete all nine days of the Mazu pilgrimage have walked more distance than those who completed only part of it. During these nine days, time continues to pass. After the pilgrimage concludes, it is over. This phenomenon recurs each year at approximately the same time.

Best used for: Share during the Mazu pilgrimage season — even sacred cultural events are not immune to absurd wisdom. Everything stated is accurate. Nothing of substance has been said.

Work completed before the deadline was completed before the deadline. Work completed after the deadline was late. Research shows that a significant portion of work gets finished in the final hours before the deadline. Prior to that, it was in the state of not yet being finished. This pattern has been observed in nearly every person who has ever had a deadline.

Best used for: Send to a friend still procrastinating the night before something is due — they won't thank you, but every word is true

The account whose password you have forgotten cannot be accessed until you remember the password. Clicking 'forgot password' will cause the system to send you an email. That email has not yet been received by you until you check your inbox. After resetting your password, you will have a new password. This new password is typically forgotten again at the next login attempt.

Best used for: Anyone who forgets passwords regularly will feel seen — send to the friend who just said 'I forgot my password again'

After taking twenty selfies, you have twenty selfies. A few of them will seem acceptable. The rest you will typically delete. The deleted ones, once deleted, are no longer on your phone. The one you keep is the one you end up posting. This filtering process runs again from the beginning each time you take selfies.

Best used for: Send to the friend who spends ten minutes taking photos before posting one — an accurate step-by-step description of their entire workflow

The question 'what should we eat' remains an unanswered question until someone answers it. Once answered, the question has an answer. However, observation shows that some individuals, after an answer is reached, begin to doubt the answer and re-enter the undecided state. This loop has been documented in certain group chats lasting over forty minutes.

Best used for: Drop this into any group chat debating where to eat — it will cause either immediate silence or uncontrollable laughter, both count as a win

People who are using AI are currently using AI. People who are not using it are not. After AI answers a question, that question has an AI-generated answer. Whether the answer is correct can only be judged by someone who already knows the answer. The person who doesn't know the answer is typically the one who asked AI in the first place. No perfect solution to this situation has yet been identified.

Best used for: Send to the friend who asks AI something and then asks you 'is this right?' — let them quietly reflect on what just happened

A person who has had coffee has consumed one more cup of coffee than a person who hasn't. Once caffeine enters the body, it is inside the body. Its effect exists until it wears off. After it wears off, some people have another cup. This cycle tends to continue as long as coffee remains available.

Best used for: Send to the person who says 'I can't function without coffee' — an accurate account of their daily life with zero solutions offered

When a phone receives a notification, the notification has arrived. Notifications that haven't arrived yet have not yet arrived. People who have looked at a notification have seen that notification. For those who haven't looked, it remains unread. The number of read notifications is directly proportional to how many times you've opened them. No other method of increasing this number currently exists.

Best used for: Send to the person with 400 unread notifications who keeps saying 'I'll check later' — entirely accurate, entirely unhelpful

People on their way to work are, before arriving at the office, still on the way. Those taking the subway are on the subway. Those driving are in their car. Those walking are walking. All three groups are no longer on the way once they arrive. This outcome is unrelated to which mode of transportation they used.

Best used for: Read this on your commute — there's a unique feeling of being precisely observed while learning absolutely nothing. Perfect to forward to a coworker so they know you're both en route

Before entering the supermarket, you either have a shopping list or you don't. People with a list typically still buy several things that aren't on it. People without a list operate entirely on instinct. Both groups leave the supermarket carrying things they didn't have when they walked in. This phenomenon becomes more pronounced when the supermarket is running a sale.

Best used for: Send to the person who went in for 'just one thing' and came out with a full bag — this analysis explains exactly what happened to them

A person who says 'I'll do it tomorrow' did not do it today. When tomorrow arrives, that person may do it — or may say 'I'll do it tomorrow' again. Someone who keeps saying 'I'll do it tomorrow' will not have done it on any of the todays leading up to that point. Until one day, tomorrow is too late. In hindsight, this outcome is usually one that could have been seen coming.

Best used for: Send to someone who has been saying 'I'll do it tomorrow' for three weeks straight — the most accurate and most useless reminder currently available

Some people completely captivate you because you keep thinking about them. Not because they're special — because you decided to give them a special place.

Best used for: '硬控' comes from gaming — it means being completely controlled with no way to move. This 廢話文學 states something obvious but somehow lands with unexpected weight. Send to a friend who says 'I don't know why I can't stop thinking about them.'

After watching palace dramas, you finally understand: Every time someone speaks, there are at least three possible motivations. So every time you hear someone talk, you've only understood one twenty-fifth of it. The rest is called reading between the lines.

Best used for: Palace drama 廢話文學. States something obvious — human communication is complicated — but packaging it in palace drama logic gives it that 'surprisingly profound' feeling. Send to someone you're watching dramas with.

A person who regrets a decision made that decision. A person who regrets not doing something didn't do it at the time. Both are experiencing regret. The only difference is the direction. No decision currently exists that avoids both kinds of regret simultaneously.

Best used for: Send to a friend stuck in 'what if I had / hadn't' — accurately diagrams the fundamental trap of human decision-making while offering absolutely no way out

Observation shows that almost everyone has talked about the weather at some point. People who talk about the weather do not change the weather by doing so. After being discussed, the weather continues according to its original plan. This has been confirmed on sunny days, rainy days, and cloudy days alike. The number of people talking about the weather continues to grow.

Best used for: Works in any weather — and after you send it, the recipient will continue complaining about the weather, which is also a documented phenomenon

Every week, your phone tells you how much time you spent looking at your phone. You read this notification on your phone. After reading it, your screen time has increased by a small amount. This outcome cannot be avoided.

Best used for: Best sent on Sunday when the weekly screen time report arrives — reading this piece of absurd wisdom also adds a few more seconds to your total

A person who is unhappy with their haircut currently has a haircut they are unhappy with. The good news: hair grows back. The bad news: once it grows back, it will need to be cut again. The next cut may also result in dissatisfaction. This cycle will repeat indefinitely as long as hair continues to grow.

Best used for: When a friend exits the salon saying 'it's ruined' — this won't help at all, but it does clearly explain the nature of the problem

Adding an item to your cart means the item is currently in your cart. A cart that has not been checked out contains things that are not yet yours. By the time you return, the item may be sold out, or you may no longer want it quite as much. Either way, the cart ends up empty. Both outcomes were possible from the moment you added the item.

Best used for: Send to the friend whose cart is permanently full of things they never buy — an accurate forecast of what their cart's future holds

A person who sets a 7am alarm generally does not wake up at 7am. At 7am, they will postpone the alarm by ten minutes. At 7:10am, they will postpone it again. This process sometimes repeats four to six times. The actual wake-up time typically differs from the original alarm time by fifty minutes or more. The act of setting an alarm is therefore primarily a source of psychological reassurance, rather than a functional wake-up mechanism.

Best used for: Send to the friend who sets five alarms and still shows up late — this is the most precise academic analysis of their morning routine available

A person who has consumed a lot of motivational content has, at this point, consumed a lot of motivational content. Someone who feels inspired after watching it possesses a period of feeling inspired. Once that period ends, some people take action; others seek out the next source of motivation. Both groups are currently in some kind of state. The content of that state differs.

Best used for: Send to the friend who spent all afternoon watching motivational videos and did nothing afterward — this is not judgment. This is observation.

After dividing tasks in a group project, the people doing work are doing work. The people not doing work are currently not doing work. On the day before the deadline, those who have not been working typically begin asking for progress updates. Asking for a progress update is not the same as contributing to progress. This distinction can be observed in every group project, but is rarely factored in when forming the next group.

Best used for: Send to the group member who disappeared all semester and became suddenly very engaged the night before the deadline — precise, constructive in no way, and fully in the spirit of absurd wisdom

If you're always catching everyone else's feelings, remember to let yourself land somewhere too. Otherwise, you hold up the whole world — but there's no one holding you.

Best used for: Send to the friend who's always the emotional support for everyone else — it sounds profound, but it is simply pointing out something quite obvious

A junior adult is a person who is capable of paying utilities and rent independently, but still requires a phone call to their mother before attempting to cook celery. This describes a state of being legally recognized as an adult while remaining unrecognized by the kitchen.

Best used for: Send to the friend who claims full independence but texted their mom about pasta this week

Walking for nine days in a religious procession, scientific observation confirms: your feet will hurt. No alternative outcomes have been recorded.

Best used for: Works best during Taiwan's Mazu Pilgrimage season (mid to late April) — pure absurd wisdom format, stating only the very obvious

Healing quotes say: catch your feelings. Absurd wisdom asks: And then put them where? No suitable emotional storage location has been identified. Research is ongoing.

Best used for: For anyone who subscribes to both healing content and absurd wisdom — this is the intersection

If you skip buying one bubble tea every day, after ten days you'll have saved exactly ten days' worth of bubble tea money. You will also have gone ten days without bubble tea. These two facts cannot both be favorable at the same time.

Best used for: Send to the friend who says 'I'm going to start saving money — no more bubble tea' — this accurately maps their dilemma while offering zero help in resolving it

It is what it is. Before it becomes something else, it is exactly what it currently is. People who have accepted this have accepted it. People who haven't are either in the process of accepting it, or haven't started yet. Regardless, it is still what it is.

Best used for: Works for any unsolvable situation — because it applies to every situation, which means it applies to none in particular

A person who has plugged the charger into their laptop but not into the wall is performing the motion of charging without actually charging. The battery level will continue to decrease in this situation. This phenomenon has the opportunity to occur every day in people who forget to check the wall end.

Best used for: Send to the person whose laptop died even though they 'had it plugged in' — sometimes the answer is simpler than expected

A person who sent a message in a group chat has sent a message to that group chat. Members of the group may or may not have seen it. People who saw it but didn't reply are currently in the state of having seen it but not replied. This state is strongly correlated with personal willingness to respond. The message with no replies is sitting there quietly right now. This too is a form of existence.

Best used for: Drop into any silent group chat for maximum effect — it describes the group dynamic everyone recognizes while doing absolutely nothing to revive the conversation

You brought an umbrella and it didn't rain. Many people conclude: it didn't rain because I brought an umbrella. However, current meteorological research shows that the influence of an umbrella on the weather is equal to the influence of not bringing one. Both are zero. This finding has not stopped people from continuing to believe that carrying an umbrella prevents rain.

Best used for: Send to the friend who says 'if I bring an umbrella it definitely won't rain' — let them quietly examine their own logic. It sounds reasonable. It is a coincidence.

Scientists have not yet found a method that allows you to store sleep in advance for later use. A person who has slept enough has slept enough. A person who hasn't, hasn't. Sleeping extra beforehand does not grant permission to sleep less afterward. This fact is known before every late night. It rarely influences the decision to stay up anyway.

Best used for: Send to the friend who says 'I slept extra yesterday so I can get by on less tonight' — the logic feels airtight and is completely false

Things don't catch fire. Fire catches onto things. So technically, when we say 'that thing is on fire,' we are saying 'fire has chosen that thing as its current location.' This reframing has no effect whatsoever on putting the fire out.

Best used for: Share with the friend who loves pointing out that 'the whole framing is fundamentally wrong' — gives them more material, zero practical value

The place where you find something is the place where you found it. Every place you searched before that is a place you looked but did not find it. By this pattern, everything is always found in the last place you look. This conclusion cannot be confirmed before the item is found. After it is found, it is also no longer useful.

Best used for: Send to someone currently hunting for their keys — the most logically accurate and completely unhelpful search advice available

Clapping is, at its core, the act of repeatedly hitting one of your hands with your other hand. We use this motion to express appreciation for something. In other words, when you are very satisfied with a performance, you choose to strike your own hands together with force. This custom is widely practiced around the world. No formal objections have been raised.

Best used for: Best sent right after a great performance, just as someone is about to clap — guaranteed to make them pause mid-applause with a deeply confused look

A person who forgot their password no longer remembers that password. After clicking 'Forgot Password,' the system sends an email to reset it. Once reset, there is a new password. This new password is different from the one that was forgotten. Observation shows that the new password is sometimes forgotten in less time than the previous one. The entire process can repeat indefinitely.

Best used for: Send to the person who clicks 'Forgot Password' every single time they log in — not a criticism, just an accurate record of their digital life

Every morning, you get up from the place where you were sleeping. Once you get up, you are no longer sleeping. This state is generally referred to as 'being awake.' While awake, you do many things. Afterward, you typically return to sleep. No exceptions to this cycle have been documented.

Best used for: Send to someone who refuses to get out of bed — let them know this is scientifically certified human behavior, not just a personal quirk

Every day you look in the mirror and see your own face. But that image is horizontally flipped. This means you have never actually seen your real face. What you see is someone who looks very much like you, but reversed. The version others see and the version you see are not the same version. This happens every day and cannot be avoided.

Best used for: Send this while someone is taking a mirror selfie — guaranteed to make them stare at their reflection for thirty minutes straight

The leftovers in your fridge are food you did not finish yesterday. If you eat them today, they stop being leftovers. If you don't eat them today, they are still leftovers tomorrow. But tomorrow's leftovers are one day older than today's leftovers. Observation confirms that leftovers do not decrease on their own inside the fridge. No counterexamples have been found.

Best used for: Open the fridge, stare at the three-day-old container, and send this to yourself — time to face reality

When your phone has no battery, it cannot be used. While charging, it is in the process of becoming usable. Once fully charged, it can be used again. After some time of use, it runs out of battery again. A dead phone needs to be charged again. This process plays out in your home every single day. The cycle currently has no known endpoint.

Best used for: Send to yourself the moment you plug in your charger before bed — you are participating in one of the most frequently repeated rituals in human history

When you say goodbye to someone, you both know this encounter is ending. So you say 'goodbye.' 'Goodbye' implies you will see each other again. But neither of you knows exactly when. Some goodbyes were never followed by another meeting. Despite this, everyone keeps saying 'goodbye' at every parting. Because 'I'm not sure if we'll ever meet again' is a bit awkward to say out loud.

Best used for: Send this right after saying goodbye to someone you're not sure when you'll see again — it makes the farewell feel unexpectedly philosophical

When you are active during the day, you use up energy. After you use up enough energy, you feel like lying down. After you lie down for a while, your energy returns. Once your energy returns, you get up and continue being active. After being active for a while, you feel like lying down again. Observation confirms this cycle does not end while you are still alive.

Best used for: Send this to yourself on a Monday morning when you can't get out of bed — admit it, you just entered the next phase of the loop

When you applaud, your left hand hits your right hand. Your right hand also hits your left hand. The two hands keep hitting each other and produce a sound. You do this because you saw something you thought was great. The greater you thought it was, the harder you hit. Nobody finds this strange, because everyone is doing it.

Best used for: Drop this in the group chat after a concert ends — reminder that you all just collectively did something that would be very weird alone

When the Wi-Fi signal is strong, the internet is fast. When the signal is weak, the internet is slow. When the internet is slow, you check the Wi-Fi. After checking, you confirm the signal is indeed weak. At this point, you walk closer to the router. After walking over, the signal improves. After the signal improves, the internet becomes fast again. None of the above steps can be skipped.

Best used for: Send this to yourself while crouching in the corner of the living room hunting for the strongest Wi-Fi spot — and quietly accept reality

When the light is red, you cannot walk. When the light is green, you can walk. The length of the red light is not up to you. The length of the green light is also not up to you. What you can decide is whether to press the button while waiting at the red light. But based on experience, pressing it and not pressing it seem to make no difference. The red light still ends when it was always going to end.

Best used for: Send to yourself while standing at a crosswalk pressing the pedestrian button, wondering if it's even connected to anything

You send someone a message. They see it. After seeing it, they do not reply. The period during which they do not reply is called 'left on read.' While being left on read, you have no idea what they are thinking. The more you want to know, the less you know. When they finally reply, you will not ask why they didn't reply earlier. Because if you ask, next time they might just not open the message at all.

Best used for: Send to yourself after staring at the chat window for twenty minutes with no reply — this isn't passive aggression, this is absurd wisdom

When soap falls on the floor, the floor gets soap on it. The soap gets floor on it. Now you must consider: did the floor get cleaner, or did the soap get dirtier? The answer is both, simultaneously. You pick up the soap and keep using it. The floor is still the floor. The soap is still soap. Nothing has actually changed.

Best used for: Send to yourself in the shower after dropping the soap and picking it up to keep using it — pretend it's a philosophy experiment

You bought a bigger bed. After buying it, the bed takes up more space. After the bed takes up more space, the room has less space left. You now have more space to sleep on. But less space to walk around in. You thought a bigger bed would be more comfortable. It turns out you just sleep in the same position on a bigger bed.

Best used for: Send to yourself after moving in and realizing your new queen-size bed swallowed the entire bedroom — wondering why you wanted it in the first place

The purpose of a candle is to burn. While burning, candles release a scent. The scent is the candle's value. If a candle shop catches fire, every candle inside burns at the same time. When all the candles burn together, they release an enormous amount of scent. So that fire is the best-smelling fire in the world. But you still wouldn't want it to happen.

Best used for: Send to a friend while walking past a fancy candle store and getting hit with a wall of scent — let them question your wiring

When you first buy a charging cable, it is straight. After using it for a while, a bend appears. After a bit longer, that one bend becomes two bends. Eventually, the whole cable is bent. You try to straighten it. It bends back. One day, it snaps right at one of the bends. That is when you go buy a new one. The new charging cable, when you first buy it, is straight.

Best used for: Send to yourself when you dig out a half-dead old cable from a drawer — accept that you and this cable are stuck in a reincarnation loop

Before a group photo, someone says 'one, two, three, cheese.' After hearing 'cheese,' everyone smiles together. That smile actually comes from the shape of the word in your mouth. Not from actual happiness. But the photo that comes out looks like everyone is genuinely having a great time. So all those bright, smiling group photos in your phone are essentially a collective mouth exercise. And you still set them as your wallpaper.

Best used for: Send to a friend while scrolling through old group photos full of fake smiles — laugh and accept the truth

The alarm goes off. You hit snooze. After you hit snooze, the alarm goes off again nine minutes later. You hit snooze again. Nine minutes later, it goes off again. You hit snooze a third time. You think you got an extra twenty-seven minutes of sleep. What actually happened is you got woken up three times. You are not more rested. You just experienced the act of waking up three separate times.

Best used for: Send to yourself after smacking snooze three times in a row, questioning why this button exists at all

When a near-sighted person can't find their glasses, they can't see clearly. When they can't see clearly, finding the glasses becomes even harder. What they need at this moment is a pair of glasses. The pair of glasses they need is the exact thing they are looking for. So to find their glasses, they need to first find their glasses. This logic remains unsolved.

Best used for: Send to a glasses-wearing friend after spending five minutes blindly groping for your glasses in the morning — they will get it

At the supermarket checkout, you choose the line that looks the fastest. Once you've chosen, the line next to you starts moving faster. You wonder whether to switch over. By the time you switch, your original line starts moving faster too. And the new line you're in starts to slow down. Conclusion: the line you picked is always the slowest one. The reason it feels slowest is because you are standing in it.

Best used for: Send to family after standing in line for ten minutes at the grocery store — let them know it's not bad luck, it's physics

You put a pair of socks into the washing machine. After washing, you take them out and there is only one. The remaining sock is proof that the other sock is missing. You start looking. You check the washing machine, the dryer, the floor, and under the bed. You can't find it. You give up and put the lonely sock in the drawer. Three months later, you do another load and notice the drawer now contains seven single socks. But you have never lost seven pairs.

Best used for: Send to family after your third laundry round when you realize you own more single socks than matched pairs — also advise them to stop buying new socks since they all end up single anyway

You wear a suit to a job interview to look more professional. Looking professional means wearing clothes you don't usually wear. So clothes you don't usually wear make you look like someone you usually aren't. The interviewer is also wearing clothes they don't usually wear. Neither of you looks like your everyday self. But both of you pretend the other one is being their everyday self. Conclusion: a job interview is two fake versions of two people verifying each other's authenticity.

Best used for: Send to a friend who also has an interview the next day while you're ironing your tie — a friendly reminder that tomorrow neither of you will be your real self

Cereal is, fundamentally, cold breakfast soup. You put solids into liquid, then eat it with a spoon. That action is called drinking soup. But because it's eaten in the morning and contains cereal, it's called eating cereal. If eaten at noon, it's called weird. If eaten at night, it's called giving up. Conclusion: time decides the name of the same bowl.

Best used for: Send to your roommate while you're eating cereal with cold milk on a weekend morning, with a note saying 'we're actually drinking soup' — see how they react

If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt. These two things are the same thing. Only the angle of observation differs. So when getting dressed in the morning, you aren't deciding whether to tuck your shirt into your pants. You are deciding which one to tuck into the other. Whichever you pick, one will always be tucked into the other. There is no escape.

Best used for: Send to a coworker who also wears button-ups while you're staring at the mirror for five minutes deciding — let them know dressing yourself is fundamentally an unsolvable multiple choice problem

Clapping is using one hand to hit another hand. So clapping is, fundamentally, hitting yourself. It doesn't hurt because you've consented to it. You consented because you saw something you liked. Conclusion: when you see something you enjoy, you voluntarily hit yourself, and the harder the better. Other people also hit themselves at the same time. Afterwards, everyone is happy. This is the only human activity in which the entire group agrees to hit themselves together.

Best used for: Send this to a friend as you walk out of a concert venue, then ask what exactly we were so happy about a moment ago

A bed is, fundamentally, a wireless charger for your body. You lie on it, no cable required, and you get charged. The longer you lie there, the more charge you should have in theory. In practice, lying there for more than eight hours makes you more tired. This means the bed has an optimal charging window with a hard upper limit. Go past the limit, and it starts discharging you in reverse. The only way to stop the reverse discharge is to get out of bed. Conclusion: a bed is a charger you have to leave at exactly the right moment, or it will drain you to zero.

Best used for: Send to family on a weekend when you wake up at 2pm with a headache — clarify you weren't being lazy, you were being reverse-discharged

There is only one of you. But in the mind of every person who knows you, there is a version of you. So if a hundred people know you, there are a hundred versions of you in the world. None of those versions is really you. But to each of those people, that version is the real you. The version of you in your own head is the one hundred and first. Even you aren't sure if that one is real. Conclusion: you exist everywhere, but nowhere are you actually you.

Best used for: Send this to an old friend you haven't talked to in years during a late-night overthinking session — ask what version of you lives in their head, then see how they answer

A building has already been built. Once it's built, it is no longer being built. But we still call it a building. Meaning, a thing that is in the process of being built. Except it isn't, because it's already done. If it were still being built, we couldn't go inside. The fact that we can go inside means it isn't being built anymore. So every time you walk into a building, you walk into a thing whose name doesn't match its reality. And nobody finds this strange.

Best used for: Send this to a coworker zoning out in the elevator after it hits you on the way into the office, and see if they can keep working normally

You're holding a slice of toast. The toast accidentally falls on the floor. From your perspective, the toast dropped. From Earth's perspective, the toast is now stuck to it. If you drop another slice from the other side, both sides of the planet have toast on them. Earth itself is now sandwiched between two slices of bread. Conclusion: dropping toast twice turns the planet into a sandwich. And nobody can eat that sandwich.

Best used for: Send to a coworker after dropping toast in the office kitchen — declare that you just upgraded the entire planet into breakfast

The job of soap is to make dirty things clean. The floor has dirty things on it. You drop the soap onto the floor. By soap logic, the floor should now be clean. By common sense, the soap is now dirty. So the soap simultaneously cleans the floor and ruins itself. This means soap cleans others by sacrificing itself. And the next thing you'll do is take that self-sacrificed soap and use it to wash yourself. Conclusion: every day, you take care of yourself using something that's already wounded.

Best used for: Send to a family member you live with after dropping the soap mid-shower — observe a three-second silence for the bar you just stepped on

Every morning, the same sound wakes you up. You picked that sound yourself. When you picked it, you thought it sounded nice. After a week, you started hating it. After a month, hearing it anywhere snaps you wide awake instantly. After a year, you can no longer go back to enjoying that song. Conclusion: an alarm tone is a feature you use to personally destroy one song from your life. And every year, you pick a brand new one to destroy.

Best used for: Send to a friend after Spotify shuffle plays your old alarm tone and you almost throw your phone — warn them to choose their next ringtone carefully

When it rains, you grab an umbrella, hide from it, and complain about your wet clothes. The first thing you do when you get home is walk into the bathroom. In the bathroom, you turn on the showerhead. What comes out of the showerhead is, fundamentally, rain. You stand under it and let it soak you. You not only don't complain, you find it relaxing. Conclusion: what you hate isn't being rained on. What you hate is being rained on for free. The moment you pay the water bill, the exact same thing becomes a treat.

Best used for: Send to a friend who also got drenched after you sprint home in the rain and immediately jump in the shower — note that we were basically complaining the water was too cheap

When your phone shows one percent, you immediately look for a charger. When your phone shows twenty percent, you also look for a charger. When your phone shows fifty percent, you still look for a charger. When your phone reaches a hundred percent, you unplug it. After unplugging it, you watch the battery slowly drop. At some point, you plug it back in. Conclusion: your phone's battery has never actually been fully used up, and has never actually been fully enough. You've just spent your entire life bouncing between one percent and one hundred percent.

Best used for: Send to a friend while you're frantically hunting for a cable before leaving the house — note that we don't really use phones, we just manage their batteries

When a person who wears glasses needs to find their glasses, they run into a problem. The problem is that they aren't wearing their glasses. Without their glasses, they can't see clearly where the glasses are. If they could see clearly, they wouldn't need the glasses. If they didn't need the glasses, they wouldn't be looking for them. Conclusion: searching for glasses is fundamentally a task that can only be completed by someone who doesn't need to search for glasses.

Best used for: Send to the family group chat the moment your mom yells "where are my glasses" and you spot them on top of her head

You lie down in bed, ready to sleep. Before sleeping, you pick up your phone and say it's just five minutes. Five minutes pass, and you're still scrolling. Half an hour passes, and you're still scrolling. An hour passes, and you start to feel exhausted. You feel exhausted because you aren't sleeping. You aren't sleeping because you're scrolling. You're scrolling because you don't want to waste the day by just falling asleep. Conclusion: in order to not waste your time, you wasted an hour.

Best used for: Send at 2am to a friend who's also still scrolling shorts in bed — add: we will regret this tomorrow, but tonight, we ride

You open the fridge, take a look, and find nothing you want to eat. You close the fridge. Thirty seconds later, you open the fridge again. The contents of the fridge are exactly the same as before. You still find nothing you want to eat. You close it again. Thirty seconds later, you open it again. The fridge is still the same fridge. Conclusion: humans don't open the fridge to eat. Humans open the fridge to confirm that there is nothing in it to eat. And this confirmation must be repeated many times per day.

Best used for: Send to your roommate when you're hungry, too lazy to go out, and on your seventh fridge-opening of the night — recommend they try it too

Let me tell you: until the moment I forget, I still remember. The moment I recall it, that means I haven't forgotten yet. If I never bring it up, that probably means I forgot. But the things I've forgotten, I don't know I've forgotten. So when you ask whether I forgot, the only honest answer is: probably not.

Best used for: Pull this out when your partner asks if you remember the thing they told you last week — results may vary

I'm a person of few words. So for what I'm about to tell you, I'll keep it brief. But it's a long story. We'll need to start from way back. I may go off on a tangent. But I'll do my best to stay on point. The point is: this is not something that can be explained in a few words. Which is why, as I said at the start, I'll keep it brief.

Best used for: Send to a coworker who just asked "the meeting is short, right?" — fair warning it'll run thirty minutes over

When you can't find something, you want to ask other people if they've seen it. But the reason you don't know where it is, is because you haven't seen it. Whether someone else has seen it depends on whether they've passed by that spot. If they haven't passed by, they're just as clueless as you. If they passed by but didn't notice, that counts as not seeing. So in the end, the person who finds the thing is usually you. When you find it, you say: weird, it definitely wasn't here a second ago. But it had always been there. What wasn't there, was your eyes.

Best used for: Send to a family member who also constantly loses things, after you finally find your keys on the shoe rack where you always leave them

You drop a message in the group chat. Five minutes later: twelve people have read it, nobody replied. You start wondering if the message was a little flat. Then you think, maybe everyone's just busy. Five more minutes: fifteen reads, still no replies. You decide to send a quick "haha" to ease the awkwardness. Nobody replies to the haha either. Conclusion: people in group chats are eternally reading, eternally busy. They're not absent from the group. They just don't want to speak in it. And then you realize: you are also one of them.

Best used for: Send to your closest friend (in DMs, not the group) the moment your "actually pretty funny" meme gets read by everyone in the work chat and answered by no one

Let me explain. The situation here is a situation in which a situation exists. What kind of situation depends on the current situation. The current situation depends on how you view the current situation. How you view it affects how it develops. But how it develops has nothing to do with how you view it. So the conclusion is: the situation is what the situation is. But as for what the situation actually is, that depends on the situation.

Best used for: Try reciting this when your boss asks for a project status update and you haven't started yet (use at your own risk)

Here's something I've noticed: People who sleep early usually go to bed early. People who sleep late usually go to bed late. People who sleep early tend to wake up earlier. People who sleep late tend to wake up later. But the total hours of sleep for both groups might be exactly the same. Or they might not be. In any case, each person's schedule is decided by themselves. Unless someone wakes them up — in which case, it's decided by someone else.

Best used for: Send to the friend who texted "I'm going to bed" at 1am and is still replying at 2:30am

You walk into the supermarket, see an empty self-checkout machine, and feel pretty smart about it. You scan the first item. The machine accepts it. You scan the second item. The machine says: "Please place the item in the bagging area." The item is already in the bagging area. The machine repeats: "Please place the item in the bagging area." You pick it up and put it down again. The machine: "Item not detected. Please wait for assistance." A staff member walks over, taps the screen once, and everything works again. They leave. You scan the next item. The machine calls them back. Conclusion: the purpose of self-checkout is not to let you check out by yourself. It's to help you build a relationship with the staff.

Best used for: Send to a friend after the self-checkout calls staff for the third time and the entire line behind you starts sighing audibly

You stand at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. Until the bus arrives, you have not boarded the bus. Once the bus arrives, you board it. The time before boarding is called waiting for the bus. During this time, the bus is not in front of you. While the bus is not in front of you, you can only keep waiting. You check your phone. The bus app says three minutes. Three minutes later, the app says two minutes. Two minutes later, the app says four minutes. You look up just in time to see the bus drive past your stop without stopping. Conclusion: the time displayed by a bus app is a number designed to ease your anxiety, not a prediction.

Best used for: Send to the friend you're meeting for dinner (and will definitely be late for) when the second bus skips your stop entirely

Your phone shows 20% battery. You figure you've got time. Half an hour later, it still shows 19%. You marvel at how good the battery is. Five minutes later, it shows 3%. You start looking for the charger. By the time you find it, the phone has shut off. Conclusion: 20% to 19% is a long stretch of time. 19% to dead is a single instant.

Best used for: Send to a friend the moment your phone hits 3% in a cafe with zero outlets within reach

Studies have shown that during sleep, the eyes are typically closed. Once you're asleep, you no longer perceive time passing. By the time you perceive time passing again, it's usually because the alarm went off. After the alarm goes off, you decide to sleep five more minutes. The result of five more minutes is forty more minutes.

Best used for: When a friend texts "I'm exhausted, going to bed early tonight," reply with this so they know how it ends

You're heading out. You look for your keys. You remember leaving them on the table. They're not on the table. You check the couch, your pockets, the shoe rack, the bathroom, the fridge, the desk, every drawer. Nothing. You sit down, take a deep breath, and walk back to the table. The keys are on the table. Conclusion: the location of the keys does not change. What changes is your ability to see them.

Best used for: Send to your chronically late friend after spending fifteen minutes looking for your keys and finding them exactly where you started

While you're at work, you want to be off work. While you're off work, you don't have to want it — you're already off. But the longer you're off, the closer you get to being back at work. By the time you notice, you're back at work. Conclusion: being off work is just the gap between two stretches of being at work.

Best used for: Send to a coworker on Sunday night at 9pm when you both open your laptops and see Monday's meetings looming

You decide to start a diet. Step one of a diet is eating less. Eating less means eating less than usual. But today was a tough day at work and you need to refuel. So today you eat the same as always. The diet starts tomorrow. Conclusion: a diet is a plan that begins tomorrow and never reaches today.

Best used for: Send to the friend you weekly co-restart your diet with — ideally while eating fried chicken at midnight saying "starting tomorrow"

Your phone buzzes. You pick it up to look. You look. You put it down. Within three seconds, it buzzes again. You pick it up again. Science confirms: the time between putting the phone down and picking it back up is exactly equal to the length of one notification.

Best used for: Drop this in a group chat that won't stop pinging — let everyone put their phones down together (and then pick them back up)

Before the bus arrives, you are waiting for the bus. Once the bus arrives, you no longer need to wait for the bus, because it has arrived. But after you get off, you start waiting for the next bus. Conclusion: waiting for the bus never ends. Only your commute ends.

Best used for: Send to your daily commute buddy when the bus is fifteen minutes late and the schedule is purely decorative

You toss your clothes into the washer. The washer starts. This means the clothes are being washed. When the wash is done, the clothes are clean. But the clean clothes are still in the washer, which means they are physically in the same place as the dirty clothes were. You forget to take them out. The next day, they're dirty again. Conclusion: laundry is a loop. The starting point and ending point are both the washing machine.

Best used for: Send to a friend whose chores are also never finished — ideally on Sunday when you reopen the washer and the clothes have That Smell again

As the saying goes: as the saying goes. This sounds wise because it is, by definition, a saying. But it doesn't tell you what the saying is. You don't need to know — you've already heard it. Conclusion: hearing your words is like hearing your words.

Best used for: Drop this in a group chat where someone is being suspiciously philosophical, and watch the tone reset itself

Before I forget this, I will always remember it. After I forget, I will not remember it. When you remind me, that's when I realize I had forgotten. Conclusion: the only difference between remembering and forgetting is whether someone reminded you.

Best used for: Send this when a friend is venting about their partner forgetting an anniversary — pair with an innocent cat photo for maximum effect

The later you sleep, the later you go to bed. The later you go to bed, the later you wake up. If you don't wake up, the day hasn't started. A day that hasn't started is a day that hasn't ended. So people who stay up late are actually living one day less than everyone else.

Best used for: Send this to yourself at 3 a.m. while you're still scrolling — guilt level may slightly increase

Economists have pointed out that once you spend your money, the money is no longer with you. It is now with the person you paid. If they also spend it, it moves to the next person. So money is always flowing — just not in your direction. This is why you have no savings.

Best used for: Drop this in the group chat at the end of the month when everyone's wallet is empty — collective sighing guaranteed

The essence of going to work is showing up at the office. If you don't show up, it doesn't count as work. But showing up doesn't mean you actually worked. So going to work and doing work are not the same thing. This is why you sat there for eight hours and feel like you did nothing.

Best used for: Monday at 9:30 a.m., pretend to type a report while actually typing this to a coworker — essential office survival skill

If you're close with someone, it means you're close. If you're not close, then you're not close. So the easiest way to tell whether you're close is to check whether you're close. The method is circular, but currently there's no more accurate one.

Best used for: When someone asks 'are you close with that person?' — drop this and watch them malfunction

Relationship experts have confirmed that dating requires two people. With only one person, it's a crush. With three, it's a problem. So two is the right number. But this doesn't mean two people will end up together, nor that being together means happiness. In short, love is complicated, because it isn't simple.

Best used for: Forward to a single friend on Valentine's Day — you'll both feel a uniquely useless comfort

To lose weight, you must do two things: eat less and move more. Eat less means don't eat too much. Move more means don't move too little. If you don't do these two things, you won't lose weight. If you do, you might still not lose weight. But if you don't even try, you definitely won't. So whether to do it is up to you.

Best used for: Send to a friend who bought a gym membership and only went once — peak relatability

When your phone runs out of battery, it shuts down. Once it shuts down, you can't scroll on it. When you can't scroll, you look for a charger. Once you find one, you can scroll again. So your phone's battery life is closely tied to whether the charger exists.

Best used for: Send this to the group chat when you're at 5 percent — your phone dying right after is the perfect punctuation

The essence of shopping is trading money for things. After the trade, you have less money and more things. If you regret it, you can trade the things back for money — that's called a return. But returns are usually more annoying than buying, so most people keep the things. This is why your home keeps getting more crowded while your wallet keeps getting thinner.

Best used for: Send to fellow casualties after a Black Friday haul — instant therapy

Work is called work because you have to go to work. If you don't go, it's not work — it's called taking a day off. If you take too many days off, it's not a day off anymore — it's called quitting. After quitting, you don't have to work, but you also don't have money. Without money, you'll need to find somewhere new to work. So life is a loop of working, not working, and working again.

Best used for: Open this while stuck on a packed Monday morning train — instant solidarity with the rest of humanity

When you're hungry, you eat, and then you're not hungry. But a few hours later, you're hungry again. So eating is something you can't solve in one go. Scientists have confirmed this phenomenon has existed since humans first appeared.

Best used for: When a coworker says 'anything' for lunch, send this and let them sit with it

People who don't sleep at night can't get up in the morning. People who can't get up in the morning are late for work. People who are late for work get yelled at by their boss. People who get yelled at by their boss can't sleep at night. People who can't sleep at night don't sleep at night. This is the science of insomnia.

Best used for: Send this at 3 a.m. to the group chat so your fellow insomniacs feel seen

People with friends are less lonely. People without friends are more lonely. So to not be lonely, you need friends. But friends are people too, and they have their own things going on. So even with friends, you'll sometimes still be lonely. This is why humans invented smartphones.

Best used for: Saturday night alone at home? Send this to the friend who left you on read — perfect passive-aggression

Meetings exist to discuss things. If the things were already discussed, you wouldn't need the meeting. But things rarely get fully discussed in a meeting. So you need another meeting. This is why meetings never end.

Best used for: Drop this in the team Slack right before the third Monday morning standup of the day

Rich people have less of a money problem. Poor people have more of a money problem. So to not have a money problem, you need money. But to have money, you first have to earn money. And earning money takes time, and time is what you need to enjoy life. So rich people and poor people both can't really enjoy life. This is economics.

Best used for: The day before payday, send this to your group chat so everyone can complain together

People who exercise sweat more. People who don't exercise sweat less. So if you don't want to sweat, just don't exercise. But not exercising will make you gain weight. And if you want to lose weight, you have to exercise. So the best strategy is to never gain weight in the first place. Thank you for reading this fitness guide.

Best used for: For when you bought a gym membership and went twice — forward to your equally lazy friend

When your phone is out of battery, you have to charge it. While it's charging, you can't scroll on it. When you can't scroll, you get bored. When you're bored, you want to scroll even more. So you end up staring at your charging phone. Scientists call this phenomenon modern life.

Best used for: Perfect for your story while you watch your phone slowly climb from 1% to 3%

For account security, your password needs to be complex. If your password is complex, you won't remember it. If you can't remember it, you'll write it down. Once you write it down, you might as well not have set one. So the safest password is the one you also forgot.

Best used for: Send to a coworker after you click 'Forgot password?' for the third time today

The weekend is for resting. The best way to rest is to do nothing. After doing nothing, you'll feel like the weekend was wasted. Feeling like you wasted it makes you more tired. So next weekend you should actually do something. Next weekend, you also do nothing.

Best used for: For Sunday night doom-scrolling in bed, right before the Monday dread kicks in

If the bus is coming, it will arrive. If the bus isn't coming, it won't arrive. So the one you're waiting for is the one that will come. The one that won't come, you can wait for until nightfall. And usually, the one you're waiting for is the one that won't come.

Best used for: Send to your group chat after the app says 'Approaching' and then the bus disappears

There are lots of clothes in the closet. But almost none of them are wearable. So every morning you struggle with what to wear. After struggling, you wear the same few pieces. Proving the closet has no clothes — only the ones you don't wear.

Best used for: For when you've changed outfits five times in front of the mirror — send to a fellow closet-overflow sufferer

Plug in the charger and your phone will charge. Don't plug it in and it won't charge. But sometimes you plug it in and it still doesn't charge. Then you unplug it and plug it back in. If that doesn't work, unplug and plug again. Technology has evolved us from plugging in once to plugging in many times.

Best used for: Discovered at 3am that your phone didn't actually charge — vent this to your engineer friend

I know you're in a rush. But don't rush. Because rushing won't help. When things don't help, rushing makes them help even less. So the more you rush, the more things move in the unrushed direction. Conclusion: people who don't rush are less likely to rush.

Best used for: Send back to a friend spamming you to reply faster — they'll laugh through their rage

You know why I'm so broke? Because I have no money. Why do I have no money? Because I spent it. Why did I spend it? Because there wasn't much to begin with. Conclusion: the root cause of being poor is not being rich.

Best used for: End-of-month dinner, friend asks why you didn't order the expensive thing — deliver this with a straight face

When you cross a mountain, you possess the ability to cross that mountain. When you fail once, you've gained one experience of failing. When you finish reading this sentence, you've finished reading this sentence. Life's growth never misses a single moment that has already happened.

Best used for: Post this as a fake-deep story and watch which friends double-tap vs. silently judge

For every eight hours you sleep, you lose eight hours of being awake. For every sixteen hours you're awake, you lose sixteen hours of sleeping. So to be alive is to be either sleeping or not sleeping. This finding has yet to be refuted.

Best used for: 3am scrolling, can't sleep — drop in the group chat hoping someone else is also up

Boss says: "This project is urgent." I nod, because if it weren't urgent, he wouldn't say it was urgent. Boss adds: "But being urgent is no excuse for mistakes." I keep nodding, because making mistakes is, in fact, not making no mistakes. Finally he says: "Anyway, you get what I mean." I get it. I get that he thinks I get it.

Best used for: Monday morning standup, boss just finished a pep talk — forward this to your coworker for a shared eye-roll

Single people typically don't have a partner. People with partners typically aren't single. If someone with a partner still feels single, they're probably not single — just partnered and lonely. Conclusion: one person can be lonely. So can two.

Best used for: Valentine's Day special — send to single friends as comfort, send to coupled friends as a gentle stab

Expensive things tend to be more expensive. Cheap things tend to be cheaper. People who can afford it usually can. People who can't, usually can't. So shopping is really just converting money into objects, placing those objects in your home, and then missing the money.

Best used for: Read this to yourself at checkout before deciding whether to actually buy the thing

Doctors say exercise is good for your health. Because people who exercise, compared to people who don't, exercise more. People who exercise more tend to sweat. People who sweat tend to sweat more than people who don't. Conclusion: to be healthy, simply become a sweating, exercising, healthy person.

Best used for: Drop this in the family group chat pretending to share wellness wisdom — watch the aunts reply seriously

Sleep experts confirm that as long as a person lies down, closes their eyes, and falls asleep, they will be asleep. If they are not asleep, it's usually because they haven't fallen asleep yet. Therefore, the root cause of insomnia is that you haven't fallen asleep.

Best used for: Send this at 2 AM to your insomniac friend — congratulations, you just stole another thirty minutes of their night

I've noticed that as long as you go to work, you end up at work. After work, however, is usually not work hours. As for weekends, they tend to occur on days you don't have to work.

Best used for: Send this in the office Slack at 9 AM Monday — your manager will read it, your coworkers will silently thank you

Economists have determined that as long as a person spends money, they have less of it. Money that isn't spent remains. Therefore, the key to saving money is to not spend it all.

Best used for: Send to your friend who keeps saying they'll save money but orders DoorDash daily — bonus points if you attach a takeout link

Psychologists have observed that when a person isn't speaking, they are usually silent. Once they open their mouth, the silence ends. Therefore, the most effective way to achieve quiet is for everyone to not speak.

Best used for: Recite silently during awkward family dinners — equally ineffective as saying it out loud, but at least you tried

Veterinarians note: people who own a cat usually have a cat at home. If there's no cat at home, it's most likely because they haven't gotten one yet. As for people who don't want a cat, their home usually doesn't have one either.

Best used for: Send this to the friend who floods the group chat with cat photos daily — just to confirm, yes, you know they have a cat

Travel experts have determined: as long as you go abroad, you are abroad. Once you return, you're back in your country. As for those who don't travel abroad, most of them are still in their original country.

Best used for: Send to the friend who's been hyping their upcoming trip for three weeks straight — congratulate them on this magnificent achievement

Educators have observed: as long as a book is finished, it is finished. Unfinished books usually have parts that haven't been read. Therefore, the most effective way to read more is to open the book.

Best used for: Send to the friend who set a New Year's goal of reading 20 books and is still on page 3 of the first one

Meteorologists note: in summer, the weather is usually hotter. If it's not hot, it's probably not summer. As for winter, research shows it's somewhat different from summer.

Best used for: Perfect to post when it hits 95F in May and everyone in the group chat is melting — your aunt will reply 'so true'

TV critics observe: once you watch the final episode of a series, the series is over. Unfinished series usually have episodes you haven't watched. As for people who say 'just one more episode,' they typically go to sleep later than planned.

Best used for: Send to the friend who said 'just one more' last night and watched until sunrise — attach a smiling emoji

HR experts confirm: people who clock in at the office every day are usually at work. Those who aren't at the office are either on leave or haven't arrived yet. As for colleagues who are late, they tend to arrive after the scheduled time.

Best used for: Drop this in the company Slack on Monday morning — 90% chance your manager will leave it on read

Financial experts point out: people with money in their account have more than people without. Step one to becoming rich is to have money. Without it, things get slightly harder.

Best used for: Send to a friend on the day your credit card bill arrives — attach a crying-laughing face

Sleep researchers have found: people who are asleep are usually in a sleeping state. Those who aren't asleep are simply awake. As for people who say 'I'm just resting my eyes,' their sleep duration is usually longer than they think.

Best used for: Text this to a friend at 2 AM — if they don't reply, they probably actually fell asleep

Personal trainers confirm: people who go to the gym work out more than people who don't. Those who don't go usually stay in their original state. As for people who bought a membership but never went, their membership card is still a membership card.

Best used for: Perfect for that friend who paid for an annual gym pass and went twice — maybe keep your distance after sending

Commute studies have confirmed: people who go to work are usually at the office. Those who don't go are not. As for the ones who took the day off but can't stop thinking about work, their body is home and their soul is doing overtime.

Best used for: Drop this in the team chat on Monday morning — nobody can argue, it's just facts

Engineers point out: when a phone has battery, you can use it; when it doesn't, using it becomes considerably harder. As for a phone that's charging, it is currently charging. Once fully charged, it becomes a phone with battery.

Best used for: Send to the friend constantly asking 'why is my phone so slow?' only to realize they're at 3% battery

Consumer behavior experts confirm: people who buy things usually have less money in their accounts. Those who don't buy keep more stable numbers. As for those who 'just wanted to look' and ended up checking out — they did look, and they did buy.

Best used for: Send this to a friend the morning after a midnight sale — they'll quietly accept the truth from inside their inbox of order confirmations

Psychologists have found: things you remember, you currently remember; things you've forgotten, you can no longer recall. As for the 'I think I remember but kind of forgot' category, they exist somewhere between remembered and forgotten. The moment they come back, they return to the remembered side.

Best used for: Send to the friend who walks into the kitchen and immediately forgets why — they'll stand still for three seconds processing this

Calendar studies indicate: once the weekend ends, next week begins. If it hasn't ended, you're still in the weekend. As for those who feel like 'the weekend disappeared instantly,' their weekend is the same two days as everyone else's — it just went by faster.

Best used for: Send to a friend at 9pm Sunday — offers zero comfort, but you'll both quietly accept that tomorrow is Monday together

Economists have determined: the primary reason a person has no money is that there is not enough money in their bank account. If there were enough money in the account, they would become a person with money. As for those who 'have money but claim to be broke,' they actually do have money — they just verbally don't.

Best used for: Use this when a friend asks 'why are you so broke lately' — they'll go silent for three seconds trying to figure out how to respond

Sleep experts remind us: once you fall asleep, you enter a state of sleep; once you wake up, you are no longer sleeping. If you haven't fallen asleep yet, that means you are currently awake. As for those who 'lie in bed scrolling on their phone until dawn,' they don't actually have insomnia — they're just not sleeping.

Best used for: Send to a friend who's also still up at 3am — you'll both quietly acknowledge that you chose this

The latest in exercise science: the moment you start exercising, you are already exercising. Once you stop, the exercise is over. So for those who want to exercise consistently, just don't stop — and you can keep exercising indefinitely.

Best used for: Send this to your gym buddy who signed up six months ago and hasn't been since — gently reawaken their numbed athletic spirit

Messaging app research indicates: when someone leaves you on read, it means they saw it but didn't reply. If they had replied, it wouldn't be called being left on read. As for those who 'reply after a really long time,' they did actually reply — just later.

Best used for: Use this to comfort a friend who got left on read — they won't actually feel better, but at least you can both be confused together

Food delivery app statistics show: before your order arrives, it is in a state of not having arrived. Once it arrives, it has arrived. As for the question 'when will my food actually get here,' the answer is: it will get here when it arrives.

Best used for: Recite this silently while waiting for a delivery — it'll instantly shift you from anxiety into a kind of zen acceptance of the universe

HR research has shown: when your manager walks over and says 'got a minute to chat?', he wants to chat with you. If you say no, he will still chat with you. So this question really only has one valid answer, which is yes.

Best used for: Drop this in the team chat on a Monday morning to mentally prepare everyone for the week ahead

The latest in sleep science: once you fall asleep, you are asleep. If you're still awake, you haven't fallen asleep yet. As for people with insomnia, they are characterized by wanting to sleep but being unable to — the exact opposite of people who are asleep.

Best used for: Recite this silently at 3am when you can't sleep — it elevates anxiety into confusion, and before you know it, the sun is up

Economists have discovered: once you spend money, that money is no longer in your account. If you don't spend it, it's still there. This is why people who are broke at the end of the month are usually broke because they spent their money — a phenomenon that occurs reliably on schedule every month.

Best used for: Send this to the group chat after the 25th, paired with a crying emoji for maximum impact

Travel experts have noted: once you leave for a trip, you are no longer home. When you come back, you'll be home again. As for people who feel even more tired after a vacation, the tiredness mainly comes from the trip itself. There is currently no known solution. The recommendation is to plan another trip.

Best used for: Best sent to friends on a Sunday night at the end of a long weekend — they'll feel the cosmic truth of vacation ending

Educational research shows: people who review before an exam are generally more prepared than those who don't. Those who don't review are less prepared. As for the situation where 'I studied and still failed,' it may be that what you studied just happened not to be on the test. This phenomenon occurs in every exam.

Best used for: Send to a friend cramming the week before an exam — give them one laugh before the full breakdown

Nutritionists report: people who drink coffee have generally consumed one more cup of coffee than people who haven't. Those who haven't had coffee have consumed one less cup. As for the situation of 'I had three cups today and I'm still sleepy,' research indicates the main reason is that you didn't sleep last night.

Best used for: Best deployed to the office chat on Monday morning, paired with a photo of your second americano

Tech experts confirm: articles written by AI are typically written by AI. Articles you wrote yourself are typically not written by AI. As for 'human-written content that looks AI-generated' versus 'AI content that looks human-written,' the cross-verification is ongoing and a conclusion is not expected to ever be reached.

Best used for: Drop this in a creator group chat to trigger a healthy existential crisis about authorship

Meteorologists report: rooms with the AC on are usually cooler than rooms without. Rooms without AC are usually hotter than rooms with. As for the dilemma of 'AC is expensive, no AC is heatstroke,' the only known solution is to stand inside a convenience store pretending to read magazines while enjoying their air conditioning for free.

Best used for: Send the week your electric bill arrives, ideally paired with a melting emoji

Sociologists have observed: people who match on dating apps generally have a match. People without a match do not. As for the case of 'we matched but they don't reply,' studies indicate it's not that they can't reply — it's that they don't want to.

Best used for: Send to a friend on the night they got left on read again, ideally with a drink emoji attached

Psychologists have found: people who get anxious on Sunday night are anxious because the next day is Monday. If the next day weren't Monday, they wouldn't be anxious on Sunday night — they'd be anxious on a different day. As for the feeling of 'I'm tired before I've even started work,' that part is real.

Best used for: Send at 9pm on a Sunday to anyone bracing for the week — more effective than a goodnight sticker

Nutritionists point out: people who drink coffee generally consume caffeine. People who don't drink coffee do not. As for the case of 'I drank it and I'm still tired,' studies indicate what you need isn't coffee — it's a resignation letter.

Best used for: Send to the office group chat on Monday morning, ideally with a mug emoji

Exercise scientists have found: people who go to the gym appear at the gym more often than people who don't. Those who don't go are usually located on the couch. As for 'I bought a membership but never went,' the data suggests you didn't buy fitness — you bought an indulgence.

Best used for: Send to the friend who got an annual membership and went twice — devastatingly effective

Economists have observed: people who place orders online generally receive packages. People who don't place orders do not. As for the cycle of 'so happy when buying, so miserable when the credit card bill arrives,' research confirms both feelings are real — they just happen at different times.

Best used for: Send the day after a big sale to a friend who just maxed out their cart, with a crying-laughing face

Sleep experts have found: people who sleep early generally fall asleep earlier than people who sleep late. People who sleep late fall asleep later. As for 'I'm exhausted but I keep scrolling instead of sleeping,' researchers call this revenge bedtime procrastination — meaning you're getting revenge on the person who left you no free time, and that person is you.

Best used for: Send at 1am to a friend who's still online, reminding you both you should be asleep and neither of you is

As the old saying goes: the old saying goes. Which saying exactly? Research indicates that as long as it's been around long enough, it qualifies as old.

Best used for: Use this right after someone drops a quote in a group chat — it sends the conversation spinning in place

I listened to you talk for an hour, and it felt exactly like listening for an hour. As for information content — when it's there it's there, and when it's not, you can't tell anything's missing.

Best used for: Use after a friend finishes a long-winded explanation, while pretending you got a lot out of it

Are nightmares dreams? Or are they free horror movies that you write, direct, and star in? Experts confirm: both descriptions currently hold.

Best used for: Send in the morning to a friend who mentioned a bad dream — bonus points for the mild dread

Do you have a skeleton inside you? Or are you — meaning your brain — living inside a skeleton? Scientists have pondered this at length and concluded: all of the above.

Best used for: Drop this in a group chat at midnight so nobody else can fall asleep either

Good news: once May is over, it'll be June. Bad news: once June is over, it'll be July. Calendar experts note that this process currently has no pause button.

Best used for: Send to the work group chat at the start of a month, reminding everyone another one's begun

I know you're really busy right now, but you could just not be busy. Whenever you stop being busy, you'll naturally have free time. Psychologists confirm this advice doesn't help you, but it isn't wrong either.

Best used for: Send to the friend who's always complaining they're swamped, then watch them get too annoyed to reply

You can try eating absolutely anything once. Whether you get a second try depends entirely on whether you're still around after the first.

Best used for: Send to the friend who has to taste every new flavor and tries everything at least once

Scientists say a chicken is, in fact, a kind of dinosaur. So what you had for lunch was, strictly speaking, a dinosaur that shrank in both size and luck. This fact does the chicken no favors whatsoever.

Best used for: Drop this in the group chat while everyone's eating fried chicken so they chew and contemplate at the same time

The first time I went to the beach, I was stunned — there was an unbelievable amount of seawater there. And every single drop of it, I'm told, was wet.

Best used for: Pair this with a vacation photo and your friends will wonder if you got heatstroke

The problem is the problem. As for what the problem actually is, we'll only know what the problem is once we've figured out the problem. Until then, the problem remains a problem.

Best used for: Recite this verbatim in a meeting when someone asks what the situation is — the room will freeze

Everyone says nothing is impossible, yet I manage to do nothing every single day. So technically, I've already accomplished the impossible.

Best used for: The ideal reply when a relative asks what you've been up to — honest and airtight

I discovered something remarkable — the moment I close my eyes, the world in front of me goes completely dark. And the moment I open them again, it returns, never once failing to show up.

Best used for: Great for out-cooling a friend who's bragging about some random fun fact

There are only two kinds of people in this world: those who understand this sentence, and those still scrolling down, waiting for the third kind.

Best used for: Post it in a group chat and watch someone scroll, genuinely looking for the third kind

Based on everything I currently know, what I currently know is extremely limited. Exactly how limited, I'm afraid I'm not sure.

Best used for: Recite this when a meeting lands on a topic you know nothing about — nobody can argue with it

If that shoe really fit so perfectly, then why did it slip off halfway home? Conclusion: a perfectly fitting shoe sometimes doesn't fit perfectly after all.

Best used for: Perfect comeback when a friend says something that sounds logical but completely isn't

I know you're in a hurry right now, but hurrying won't help, so please don't hurry. When it's actually time to hurry, I'll let you know to hurry.

Best used for: Drop this when someone is frantically chasing you for an update — guaranteed to make them more frantic

Experts warn: if this attempt does not succeed, then there is a very high chance it will fail. So as long as you don't fail, you've basically succeeded.

Best used for: Use it to wrap up a presentation — sounds like a solid conclusion while saying nothing at all

You always find it in the last place you look. Because once you've found it, you stop looking.

Best used for: Say this right after helping someone find their keys — watch them freeze for three seconds

My first trip to Japan completely blew my mind. I had never seen so many Japanese people in a single country before. They were everywhere — each one more Japanese than the last.

Best used for: Reply with this, totally straight-faced, when a friend posts their vacation photos

No matter where you go, you will be wherever you are. Which is exactly why you can never escape yourself.

Best used for: Read it with fake gravitas — pairs perfectly with a sunset photo for your story caption

I can tell you're in a hurry right now, but try not to be in a hurry. Once you stop being in a hurry, there will be no hurry.

Best used for: Send this when a friend is rushing you in chat — guaranteed to make them rush harder

As far as my knowledge goes, the things I know are precisely the things that I happen to know.

Best used for: Deploy this when someone asks you a question you can't answer — they usually stop asking

If we don't succeed this time, then there's a very high chance that we'll be facing a situation where we did not succeed.

Best used for: Perfect for impersonating a manager wrapping up a meeting — sounds insightful, says nothing

As far as I know, I know nothing. And the only reason I know I know nothing is because I know that one thing. So technically, I do know at least one thing.

Best used for: Repeat this internally when you're asked a question in a meeting you have no answer to — stay calm on the outside

I know you're in a hurry, but don't be in a hurry just yet. Once you stop hurrying, you'll realize you didn't need to hurry. And by the time you realize that, it's usually done anyway.

Best used for: Drop this in the group chat when someone's chasing you for an update you haven't started

Setting aside the content, what you said actually makes a lot of sense. Of course, the content is the whole point, and right now we're not talking about the content.

Best used for: For when you just sat through a presentation you didn't understand and need to say something without offending anyone

As for what happens tomorrow, you'll find out the day after. And if you still don't know by then, just wait one more day. Either way you'll definitely find out — it's only a matter of time.

Best used for: When a friend anxiously asks how tomorrow will turn out, this is guaranteed to make them more anxious

Studies show that people without a partner are, at present, most likely single. And the moment they get into a relationship, they are no longer a person without a partner. This rule has, to this day, never had an exception.

Best used for: Fire this back when a relative asks why you're still single — the vibe is guaranteed to get awkward

As the old saying goes, and the reason the old saying goes so well is that if it didn't go well, it would never have become an old saying. So every old saying you've heard goes great.

Best used for: Use this as filler when you want to quote some wisdom but can't be bothered to think of any

Websites make you set an ever more complicated password, so complicated that even you can't remember it. Then, once you finally forget it, they kindly ask you to reset a brand new complicated password. This way your account is extremely secure — so secure that even you can't get in.

Best used for: Perfect to send a fellow sufferer while you're both stuck on the reset-password page

We haven't seen each other in three days, which works out to roughly seventy-two hours. And seventy-two hours, when you do the math, comes out to exactly three days. So it's been three days — I checked several times, and it's the same every time.

Best used for: Send this to a friend you haven't talked to in ages, pretending to miss them while saying nothing at all

You made a to-do list with everything you need to get done. Making the list wasn't on the list, but you did it anyway. So you've completed a task that wasn't on the list, while every task that is on the list remains untouched.

Best used for: Lands perfectly on the day you spent the whole afternoon planning and did nothing

As far as I know, everything I don't know, I don't know. And the things I do know, I know because I already know them. So what I know is what I know, and what I don't know is what I don't know — on this I'm perfectly clear.

Best used for: Answer a question you have no clue about with this, and the asker will only get more confused

"Where are you headed today?" "To the place I'll have arrived at later."

Best used for: Perfect for when a friend grills you about your plans and you'd rather not explain — they'll give up instantly

Financial experts confirm that once you spend your money, that money is no longer yours. No exception has been documented to date.

Best used for: Deliver this with a straight face when a friend is splurging — pretend you just gave priceless advice

As long as you're willing to try, you are a person who is willing to try. Whether it works out is a separate question about being willing to try.

Best used for: Great for faking a profound conclusion in a motivational moment — pause, then watch the room crack up

The weather bureau reports that everywhere it rains today will get rain, while everywhere it doesn't will stay dry. Residents are advised to assess their own local conditions.

Best used for: Text this to a friend before heading out in the rain, pretending you ran a pro weather analysis for them

Sleep research shows that if you lie down, close your eyes, and fall asleep, you'll successfully enter a state of sleep. People who are awake, meanwhile, are generally not asleep.

Best used for: When a sleepless friend texts to complain, reply with this and pretend it's expert guidance

What you just said strikes me as completely right — and it's right precisely because there's nothing actually right about it, but since you think it's right and I think it's right, it slowly becomes right.

Best used for: When a friend earnestly explains something and you can't be bothered to argue, drop this to feign deep agreement

Financial experts point out that as long as you spend less than you earn, whatever is left automatically becomes your savings. If you spend more than you earn, this phenomenon does not occur.

Best used for: When a friend complains they can't save money, reply with this and pretend it's premium financial advice

The ancients once spoke a deeply wise saying, and the saying went: the ancients once spoke a deeply wise saying. Exactly which one remains a mystery to this day.

Best used for: Perfect for when you want to sound like you're quoting wisdom but have nothing in the tank

A personal trainer notes that as long as you keep exercising, your body will remain in a state of exercising. The moment you stop, that state immediately disappears.

Best used for: When a friend posts a fitness resolution in the group chat, reply with this as if it's professional coaching

If I haven't misunderstood, that means I've understood correctly. Which one it actually is remains under review.

Best used for: When your manager asks if you followed the meeting, reply with this for a safe yet meaningless answer

Medical statistics show that nearly everyone who drinks water every day eventually leaves this world. No exception has been recorded so far.

Best used for: When a friend shares wellness tips in the chat, drop this as if adding expert data

What's green and jumps? Grass — if the wind is strong enough.

Best used for: A go-to riddle for killing the mood; guaranteed to freeze any conversation

My horoscope today read: "Something will happen." Looking back tonight, it turned out to be completely accurate.

Best used for: Send this to gently roast a friend who takes their horoscope too seriously

If I'm not mistaken, then this sentence is correct. If I am mistaken, then this sentence is no longer this sentence.

Best used for: Perfect for dropping in a chat and watching everyone think hard for three seconds before deciding to ignore you

As long as you get through this week, next week will arrive on its own. And once you get through next week, the week after will arrive too. That's how life goes — one week after another.

Best used for: Send this to a coworker before Monday for a little dose of motivational nihilism

The only time the word "incorrectly" is spelled incorrectly is when it's actually spelled incorrectly. Every other time, it's about as correct as a word can get.

Best used for: Send this to the friend who always corrects your typos — fight fire with fire

You can drink cement — it's just something you only get to do once. After that, you probably won't feel the need to do it again.

Best used for: Pull this out the moment a friend says "that should be fine, right?"

You are currently reading this sentence. Once you finish, you will have finished reading this sentence. What you got out of it is a separate matter.

Best used for: Great as the opening line of a post — lures people into reading the whole thing for nothing

The first rule of the Nonsense Club is the first rule of the Nonsense Club. As for the second rule, we held a meeting about it — and concluded we hadn't discussed it yet.

Best used for: Use this when someone asks 'what are the rules?' in a group chat — guaranteed to kill the conversation instantly

If everything goes smoothly, then everything goes smoothly. If it doesn't, then something unexpected has probably happened.

Best used for: Perfect for a status update in a work chat — your manager will want to throw something at you

My dad owns three houses, my mom owns two cars, my brother owns a company. And me — I own the privilege of being related to them.

Best used for: Use this to one-up a friend who's bragging about their family — steers the convo somewhere warm and pointless

Wherever you go, there you are. Which is also why you can never quite escape yourself.

Best used for: Pair it with a scenic photo on your travel story — looks deep, says nothing

If I'm not mistaken, then I am, in fact, not mistaken. Assuming, of course, that I'm not mistaken.

Best used for: Say this with full confidence when someone asks you something you're unsure about — watch them freeze for three seconds

You know why I can never save any money? Because the amount of money I have keeps not increasing.

Best used for: Send this to your equally broke friend right before payday for some mutual comfort

The doctor told me it'll feel better once it stops hurting. I nodded, and only later realized something was off.

Best used for: Use it to 'comfort' a friend complaining about an ache — deliver it with a totally straight face

Studies show that if you just survive today, tomorrow will arrive. And once you survive tomorrow, it becomes today again.

Best used for: Send it to a coworker grinding through a late night or an all-nighter deadline

After hearing everything you just said, my honest takeaway is that I have now heard you say something.

Best used for: Perfect for messaging the coworker next to you after a painfully long meeting wraps up

If I haven't gotten this wrong, then that pretty much means I've gotten it right.

Best used for: Deliver it with full confidence the next time a friend asks 'are you sure?'

The situation right now is, well, exactly the kind of situation it is. As for what kind of situation that actually is, that depends on the situation.

Best used for: An all-purpose reply when your boss asks for a status update — sounds like you're on top of it

The first time I traveled abroad I was genuinely shocked — turns out a foreign country is absolutely packed with foreigners.

Best used for: A straight-faced opener for sharing 'travel insights' in your trip group chat

Statistics show that if a person sleeps a full eight hours, they will have used up roughly four hundred and eighty minutes that night.

Best used for: Answer 'how long did you sleep?' with this dead-serious math and watch their face

Things turned out the way they did because they didn't turn out any other way. In other words, it is what it is.

Best used for: Offer this as heartfelt 'comfort' next time a friend vents about their life

"Oh, are you sleeping?" "No, I'm just lying here with my eyes closed and happen to be unconscious."

Best used for: The perfect comeback when a family member asks the obvious — answer seriously and you lose

The first rule of the Nonsense Club is the first rule of the Nonsense Club. As for the second rule, please refer to the first.

Best used for: Deliver with a straight face when someone asks what your club actually does

Don't worry — once it stops hurting, you'll find it hurts a lot less. This is medically confirmed.

Best used for: Pretend to comfort a friend who's hurt or heartbroken while helping in no way at all

Studies show that the richer a person is, the bigger the number in their bank account tends to be. For those without money, it's the other way around.

Best used for: Drop this in a finance group chat while pretending to share deep money wisdom

After hearing everything you just said, I feel exactly like someone who just heard everything you said. Fully enriched, which is to say, not at all.

Best used for: Perfect to send a coworker after a long meeting — it nails the experience of a discussion with zero takeaways

I know you're in a hurry, but the most important thing right now is to not be in a hurry. Once you stop hurrying, you'll realize you're no longer hurrying.

Best used for: Great reply to a friend who keeps nagging you for an answer — defuse their anxiety with pure nonsense

The company switched to thinner toilet paper to save money, but everyone just started using more sheets. So thin toilet paper lasts about as long as thick toilet paper, just thinner.

Best used for: Quote this when complaining about office cost-cutting — it leaves the boss with no comeback

You know why I can never save money? Because the money I earn happens to be exactly what I spend. And whatever I don't spend is what I save, which is why I have no savings.

Best used for: Self-deprecating gold for the end of the month when your wallet is empty — and you can pretend you've cracked personal finance

Scientists have found that your right hand has never once touched your right elbow without it hurting. And the people who manage it usually just have a very long right arm.

Best used for: Drop this in a group chat and someone will immediately start bending their arm — works every time

The exact moment you fall asleep, you never actually know about. Because if you knew you'd fallen asleep, it would mean you were still awake. So every night you lose consciousness without noticing, and only realize the next day that you slept.

Best used for: Perfect to send a fellow insomniac at 3 a.m. — the more you think about it, the more awake you get

You know why there's never enough time? Because if there were enough time, you wouldn't feel like there isn't. And the reason you feel like there isn't is that there genuinely isn't, which is why there isn't.

Best used for: Say this with a straight face when your manager asks about your progress — buys you a solid three seconds

A slice of bread is called bread before you toast it. After you toast it, it's still bread, just toasted bread. If you toast it too long, it gets promoted to charcoal. So toast is basically bread that got startled.

Best used for: Comforting words for when you burn your breakfast — and you can pretend it was a recipe

No matter how long you wait, the time is always now. The future you look forward to, the moment it actually arrives, turns into now. And the past you want to go back to was once a now too. So in your whole life you have never not been in the present.

Best used for: Deliver this slowly when someone tells you to hurry up — watch them question their entire existence

The conclusion of this meeting is that we need to schedule another meeting. As for what that meeting will cover, it's whatever this meeting didn't get to. And the reason this meeting didn't get to it is that we spent all the time scheduling the next meeting.

Best used for: Mutter this to your deskmate at the end of a marathon meeting — guaranteed knowing smile

Studies show that people who run faster move at a higher speed. Meanwhile, people who run slower tend to be comparatively slower. This finding has been consistently confirmed in both the fast and the slow.

Best used for: Drop this in while a friend is seriously analyzing something — instantly resets the conversation to zero

Long time no see! Let me do the math — from the last time we met until now, exactly the time we spent apart has passed. Not a second more, not a second less.

Best used for: Perfect opener when reuniting with someone — they'll pause before realizing you said nothing

Don't worry — once you stop being hungry, you'll feel full. And once you feel full, you naturally won't feel hungry anymore. So really, those are the same thing.

Best used for: Use this to comfort a hungry friend — they'll be hungrier after the comfort

The only rule of this group is that you must follow the only rule of this group. As for what that rule is, please refer to the only rule of this group.

Best used for: Great as a group announcement or intro — see who actually asks what the rule is

If I'm not misremembering, then I must be remembering correctly. And if I'm remembering correctly, that means I'm not misremembering. So rest assured, I definitely got it right this time.

Best used for: Perfect for when you've actually forgotten something but want to sound completely confident about it

Do you know why I can never save any money? Because the amount I have left over is always less than the amount I wanted to save. Experts suggest this is usually caused by spending it.

Best used for: Send this to a fellow paycheck-to-paycheck friend when you check your balance at the end of the month

Relax — once you've had enough sleep, you won't feel sleepy anymore. And when you don't feel sleepy, it usually means you've had enough sleep. So really, the problem solves itself.

Best used for: Ideal for offering completely useless comfort when a friend complains about being tired

Studies show that the wealthier a person is, the more money they have. And people with more money tend to be wealthier. So far, science has found no counterexample.

Best used for: Use it as a fake-science opener, or drop it with a straight face while friends discuss investing

No matter where you go, you'll be exactly where you are. And where you are happens to be the place you went to. That, I suppose, is life.

Best used for: Pair it with a scenic photo on your story and pretend you've had a deep life realization

As the old saying goes: the old saying goes. The wisdom of our ancestors is truly this simple — and this empty.

Best used for: Perfect for cutting in right after a friend solemnly quotes some proverb

Seven days without seeing you feels exactly like an entire week has passed. The length of this longing, after careful conversion, checks out perfectly.

Best used for: Text it to a friend you haven't seen in a while — looks heartfelt, is actually nonsense

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of not succeeding. So remember: to not succeed is to fall short of success.

Best used for: Slap it on the final slide of a motivational deck and watch the room go quiet (from confusion)

The moment my front foot stepped out the door, my back foot immediately followed. After all these years, these two feet have never once let each other down.

Best used for: Use it to narrate the simple act of leaving the house, instantly epic

The summers I spend with you are a little hotter than the winters. Not because of you — but because it was already summer.

Best used for: Send it to your crush as if it's romantic, then let the last line snap them back to reality

Once you finish climbing this mountain, you'll have the experience of finishing this mountain. That experience will stay with you right up until you climb the next one.

Best used for: Send it to a friend who just hit any small milestone — sounds inspiring, says nothing

The situation is basically the situation right now. As for how things actually stand, that still depends on the situation. If the situation changes, then it's a different situation.

Best used for: Use it when your boss asks for a status update and you haven't figured out an answer — fills the air, reveals nothing

No matter where you go, there you are. After all these years, not once have I managed to leave myself somewhere else.

Best used for: A caption for your travel check-in photo — sounds like an epiphany, just states that you're physically present

We haven't seen each other for seven days — it feels like a whole week has gone by. If it happens again next time, it'll probably be another seven days.

Best used for: Send it when inviting a friend you haven't seen in ages — corny longing, delivered in one shot

As the old saying goes: "As the old saying goes." The reason it's lasted so long is that everyone keeps saying it.

Best used for: Whip this out when someone asks you to quote something wise — expect three seconds of silence

I took a bite of this tomato, and to my surprise, it tasted intensely of tomato. Truly a tomato — it did not let me down.

Best used for: The all-purpose reply when a friend asks how the restaurant food was — you've said everything and nothing

As far as I know, I actually know nothing at all. And the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm not too sure about that either.

Best used for: A stalling line for questions you can't answer — sounds deep, but you're just playing dumb

As the old saying goes: as the old saying goes. As for what it actually says, the saying declined to comment.

Best used for: The perfect reply when someone asks what a proverb means — guarantees three seconds of silence

Studies confirm that a baby who is one day old has a mother whose experience as a mother is also exactly one day old. Scientists have been unable to disprove this.

Best used for: Great for a new-parents group chat — makes people think for three seconds, then decide not to

If I'm not mistaken, then I am, in fact, not mistaken. But if I am mistaken, then it turns out I was not not-mistaken after all.

Best used for: Deploy this when someone asks 'Are you sure?' — dodges all accountability flawlessly

Statistics show that given a long enough timeline, everyone's survival rate settles steadily at zero. So far this figure has been remarkably stable.

Best used for: For when a friend is anxious about the future — offers zero comfort but sticks in the memory

If you can just get through Monday, Tuesday will follow shortly after. And if you survive Tuesday too, congratulations — Wednesday is already waiting.

Best used for: Post this to the work chat on a Monday morning — coworkers will be too tired to argue

Financial experts remind us that once you spend your money, it leaves your account. If you don't spend it, it tends to stay where it is.

Best used for: Perfect to send yourself when the statement arrives at month's end — brutal but entirely accurate

Sleep research indicates that if you close your eyes and fall asleep, you have entered a state of sleep. If you're still awake, it means you haven't slept yet.

Best used for: Ideal for a 3 a.m. insomnia story — anyone who reads it will only feel more awake

Life is full of choices. When you pick A, you have not picked B. And if you pick B, then what you picked is not A. This principle holds true across all options.

Best used for: Great to drop when a friend can't decide what to eat or buy — unhelpful yet undeniably correct

Nutritionists confirm that once you eat your food, it disappears from your plate. Whatever you don't eat remains exactly where it was.

Best used for: Funniest said as the table clears — especially when someone's still eyeing the last piece

Someone asked me what absurd wisdom is. I thought about it for a long time, and finally reached this conclusion: the sentence you're reading right now is a pretty good example.

Best used for: When someone asks what this genre even is, this line is both the perfect demonstration and the answer

The latest meteorological research confirms that when it rains, things outside tend to get wet. And once the rain stops, the ground will eventually dry.

Best used for: Perfect for the group chat during rainy season — especially right after someone seriously asks whether they need an umbrella

Sleep experts remind us that the later you stay up, the later you'll wake up the next day. And if you wake up too late, that basically means you didn't wake up early.

Best used for: Send this to a friend who's also awake at 3am — it hits with a strange, tired solidarity

Financial experts have determined that once you spend your money, it is no longer in your account. Whatever you didn't spend is usually still there.

Best used for: Say this to yourself while checking your balance at the end of the month — brutal, yet remarkably accurate

Life is a series of choices, and every time you make one, you didn't make the other. As for the one you didn't pick, you simply didn't pick it.

Best used for: Say this when a friend is stuck deciding between two restaurants — guaranteed to make it harder

"Where did you come from?" "From the place I was just at." "So where are you headed?" "To a place I haven't reached yet."

Best used for: When you're tired of being grilled about your plans, deliver these standard answers and the questions will stop

The me standing here today is no longer the broke person I was last year. I'm this year's broke person.

Best used for: Perfect for a New Year's or birthday post that shows off a full year of personal growth

As far as I know, I don't know much. And exactly how much I don't know, I'm not entirely sure either.

Best used for: When someone asks you something you can't answer, use this to seem humble and honest at the same time

When you're hungry, eating something will usually make you less hungry. This method works especially well on people who are hungry.

Best used for: Send this to a friend who won't stop saying they're starving — a thoroughly tested solution

The moment you fall asleep, you enter a state of sleep. If you haven't fallen asleep yet, that means you're still awake.

Best used for: On a sleepless night, send this to someone else who's still up and contemplate the truth together

The best thing about the weekend is that it comes right after Friday. And once it's over, Monday shows up right on schedule.

Best used for: Post this on Sunday night to put a precise conclusion on everyone's back-to-work dread

When your phone is charging, the battery slowly goes up. If you notice it going down, that means it's not actually charging. This holds true whether the phone is plugged in or not.

Best used for: Send this to the friend who keeps complaining about a dead phone but never plugged the cable in properly

When you look in a mirror, the person inside looks exactly like you. So far, this only happens while you're actually looking. When you're not looking, nobody knows what's in there.

Best used for: Perfect for a morning selfie story caption the second you catch your own reflection

In a line, everyone in front of you got there earlier, and everyone behind got there later. That's precisely why you're standing in the middle. If you're at the very front, it means nobody arrived before you.

Best used for: Drop this in the group chat when the queue is long enough to make you question your life choices

At a red light everyone stops, and when it turns green everyone moves again. So green basically just means the red light is over. Yellow is there to warn you that those two things are about to swap.

Best used for: Send it to whoever's in the passenger seat while you're both stuck waiting at the intersection

A book counts as finished once you've read it from the first page to the last. If you haven't reached the last page yet, then you haven't finished. A book you left halfway through is, in essence, a book you're halfway through.

Best used for: Perfect for the friend who buys a stack of books but only ever reads the first three pages

When you've drunk half a glass of water, the half you drank is no longer in the glass. What's still in the glass is the half you haven't gotten to yet. So as long as you keep sipping, sooner or later you'll be left with an empty glass.

Best used for: For when you're so thirsty you've started staring at the cup — send it to whoever's having tea with you

If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt. Either way, one of them is definitely inside the other. Unless you're wearing neither, in which case the problem solves itself.

Best used for: Use it in front of the mirror in the morning to convince yourself you're dressed just fine

Everyone says life is short, but life is actually the longest thing you've ever experienced. After all, from the day you were born until now, it's been the whole time. So 'life is short' really just means short compared to all the stuff you haven't lived through yet.

Best used for: For those late-night spirals when time feels too short — send it to whoever else is still awake

A turtle can never sleep over at someone else's place, because no matter where it sleeps, it's sleeping at home. The thing on its back is the house, and it travels along with it. So when a turtle goes out for the day, it's actually bringing the whole building with it.

Best used for: Good for small talk next time you spot a turtle or chat with a friend who has pets

The you in the mirror is always doing exactly what you're doing. You raise a hand, it raises a hand; you hold still, it holds still. You can't even catch it slipping up, because all it ever does is copy whatever you just did.

Best used for: The kind of thought that shows up while you're brushing your teeth and zoning out at your reflection

You want to know why I can't save money? After careful research, I reached a conclusion: it's because I have no money. The answer is simple, but so far nobody's found a counterexample.

Best used for: The line to mutter to yourself when you check your balance at the end of the month

Based on years of observation, the smarter a person is, the smarter their brain tends to be. And people with smarter brains are, generally, smarter. It's an airtight, self-reinforcing truth you simply cannot argue with.

Best used for: The perfect follow-up when a coworker says something that sounds profound but means nothing

Summers with you are hotter than winters. This is not surprising at all, because summer is naturally hotter than winter. The rule holds whether you're here or not.

Best used for: For when you want to say something sweet to your crush and then immediately ruin the moment

If I didn't guess wrong, then I must have guessed right. And if I guessed wrong, that means I just didn't guess right. Either way, I was half correct about this.

Best used for: Deploy this when someone asks you about something you're unsure of, to look deeply analytical

Haven't seen you in seven days — feels like a whole week. And if you do the math, it turns out it really has been exactly one week. Sometimes time is just that precise, and you have to respect it.

Best used for: The ideal reply when a friend you haven't talked to in ages suddenly messages you

A 20-percent-off deal means you still pay 80 percent of the price. And the 20 percent you 'saved' was money you were never going to spend anyway. So a discount is when you spend money and somehow feel richer.

Best used for: Send this to a friend bragging about their sale haul and watch the buyer's remorse arrive early

Your phone gets faster internet once it connects to the wifi. If it doesn't connect, the speed stays exactly the same as not being connected. So the first step to faster internet is getting it connected to the internet.

Best used for: Drop this when someone complains their wifi is slow — zero help, fully correct

When your computer breaks, restarting it usually fixes it. If restarting doesn't fix it, that just means it isn't fixed yet. All of tech support wisdom fits into one move: turn it off, then turn it on.

Best used for: The lifesaving line of every help desk — forward it to any relative whose gadget is acting up

The day after your birthday, you're one year older than you were before it. But even if you skip your birthday, time won't stop to wait for you. So a birthday party isn't about getting older — it's about happening to remember that you did.

Best used for: Send this when a friend groans about turning another year older — zero comfort, maximum sincerity

Once you put on headphones, you can hear whatever's playing in them. Wear just one side, and only that one side can hear it. This effect has been independently confirmed in both the left ear and the right ear.

Best used for: Text this while sharing an earbud with a friend — perfectly calibrated to ruin the moment

As the ancients used to say — and the ancients really did love to say things. As for what exactly they said, you'd have to ask the ancients. Unfortunately, the ancients are not currently available for questions.

Best used for: Perfect for when you quote something wise to sound smart and then forget the second half

The moment you pass the exam, you go from being someone who hasn't passed to being someone who has. Until then, you remain the person who hasn't. This change of status takes effect precisely at the moment you pass.

Best used for: Send this to a friend sweating over exam results — useless as comfort, guaranteed to get a laugh

I'm no longer the guy who couldn't save money three years ago. I'm this year's guy who can't save money. People grow — the bank balance just doesn't always keep up.

Best used for: The ideal self-introduction when a relative asks how much you've saved this year

If you're willing to spend a little more time getting to know me, you'll discover that you've spent a little more time. What you actually learn is a matter for some other stretch of time.

Best used for: Drop this mid-confession when you're trying to sound deep — sincerity hits zero, laughs hit max

A new study finds that people who drink water each morning drink one more glass of water than people who don't. Researchers say the finding has proven remarkably stable.

Best used for: Forward it to a group chat at dawn so everyone's first act of the day is questioning reality

As long as you haven't quit, you are the person who hasn't quit. The moment you quit, you become the person who has. So whether to quit really comes down to which person you'd rather be.

Best used for: Send this when a friend is fishing for sympathy about giving up — no sympathy delivered, three seconds of stunned silence guaranteed

Rich people are rich because they have money. Poor people are the opposite: they don't. The gap between them comes down, mainly, to money.

Best used for: The perfect summary for any finance article full of grand advice — devastatingly accurate and completely useless

In the blink of an eye, the weekend is about to begin, and in another blink, it's about to end. What happened in between, we usually can't quite recall.

Best used for: Pair it with a Sunday-night story post to perfectly capture that pre-Monday emptiness

You look really good today — both eyes sitting neatly on the upper half of your face, one nose, perfectly centered, not a millimeter off. That kind of symmetry isn't something everyone can pull off.

Best used for: The ideal pick when you want to compliment someone without getting too mushy — cheesy pickup line meets absurd wisdom

Let me keep this short — it's a long story. So I'll just start from the beginning, since you've got nothing better to do anyway.

Best used for: Use it when a friend tells you to get to the point — guaranteed to make them regret asking

Once you peel a banana, you're left with a banana that has no peel. The difference between before and after peeling is remarkably clear.

Best used for: Post this with your banana snack and watch your friends start questioning their whole existence

Until the moment I forget this, I will keep remembering it. As for after I forget it, well, I won't remember.

Best used for: Surprisingly convincing as an excuse when you forget something you promised

Studies show that the smarter a person is, the smarter their brain usually is. And the smarter the brain, the smarter they tend to think.

Best used for: Say it to a coworker and they won't be sure whether you're praising or roasting them

The moment you read this line, it means you are currently reading this line. And once you've finished, you're finished.

Best used for: Stick it at the top of a post as a disclaimer — readers will re-read it just to check they understood

Your GPS explains: if you take a wrong turn, it will recalculate the route. If you don't, there's nothing to recalculate. As for "make a U-turn ahead" — that means you already missed it.

Best used for: Read it out loud when the GPS is nagging the driver; defuses the mood better than backseat directions

Ticketing site notice: people who got tickets have tickets. People who didn't, don't. As for the waitlist, its function is to let you keep waiting for a ticket while not having one.

Best used for: Post it the morning after a failed ticket rush — lands better than yelling at the queue system

Your health report notes: the items flagged in red are the problems. The ones not flagged are fine for now. The doctor recommends more exercise, less staying up late, and a balanced diet. Those happen to be exactly the three things you can't do.

Best used for: Forward it to the friend who's also avoiding their results — more honest than mutual encouragement

Parking lots run on a simple rule: if there's a space, you can park. If there isn't, you can't. Long-term observation shows you usually arrive during the second scenario. The car ahead of you only pulls out after your third lap.

Best used for: Send it to whoever is circling level B3 for the fourth time — solidarity beats advice here

The manufacturer clarifies: anything that breaks during the warranty period is covered. Anything that breaks after it is not. As for why everything breaks three days after the warranty ends, that question is also not covered.

Best used for: For the post you write when the appliance dies the week coverage expires — drier and sharper than a rant

A dictionary contains every word. So when you look one up, the word is usually already in there. If you can't find it, that means it hasn't been added yet. As for why the exact word you need is the one that's missing, the dictionary has no entry for that either.

Best used for: For the friend who gives up halfway through spelling a word out loud

Some things in life you can only do once. For example: the first time. After the first time, everything after that is the second time or later. This rule holds every single day you're alive.

Best used for: For when a friend does something 'for the first time' and you want to mark it without being sappy

An elevator button lights up when you press it once. Press it ten more times and it stays in that same one-press state. Studies show that pressing harder does not make the elevator arrive faster. It arrives when it's going to arrive. Until then, it does not.

Best used for: Send it to the person mashing the call button — they'll keep mashing it anyway

The most time-consuming part of turning on the TV is deciding what to watch. Studies indicate the time spent browsing often exceeds the time spent actually watching. By the time you finally pick something, it's basically bedtime. So strictly speaking, what you watched today was the menu.

Best used for: Peak relatability for the Friday night spent scrolling for two hours without hitting play

In a traffic jam, cars move slowly. When there's no jam, they move faster. After years of observation, traffic experts have concluded: the day you're in a hurry usually belongs to the first category. As for why the roads are always clear when you're not in a rush, that too is part of the jam.

Best used for: Post it to your story while stuck in traffic and nearly late — pairs well with a shot of red brake lights ahead

The microwave works on a very simple principle: put cold food in, heat it, and it comes out warm. If it comes out cold, that means you forgot to press start.

Best used for: Send this to the roommate blankly staring into the microwave, waiting for it to start on its own

When the download bar reaches 100%, that means it has finished downloading. If it's stuck at 99%, that last 1% is simply the 1% it has decided to make you wait the longest for.

Best used for: Peak relatability while watching a download bar freeze at 2am

The ticket system is perfectly fair: every number ahead of you gets called before you, and every number behind you gets called after. So as long as you keep waiting, your turn will eventually come. Unless you leave before it does.

Best used for: For anyone clutching a paper ticket at the bank, clinic, or DMV

The ad that cuts into your video usually says "Skip in 5 seconds." So you wait, patiently, for five seconds, and then you can skip it. If the button hasn't lit up yet, that just means five seconds haven't passed.

Best used for: Send this to a friend while you're both waiting out a YouTube pre-roll

The receipt lottery works on a simple rule: if your numbers match, you win, and if they don't, you don't. The people who didn't win this month mostly had receipts whose numbers didn't match.

Best used for: For anyone who just checked their lottery numbers and came up empty again

Once you step onto an escalator, even if you don't move a muscle, it will slowly carry you to the next floor. If you stand perfectly still and never reach the next floor, there's a good chance you're standing on ordinary stairs.

Best used for: For zoning out on the escalator at the mall or the metro station

Shout into a valley, and the valley will hand you back the exact words you just shouted. Whatever you yell, it yells right back. So if you're not happy with the answer, you might want to check what you shouted.

Best used for: For that moment at the lookout when someone tests the echo

Leave an ice cube out at room temperature long enough, and it turns into a little puddle of water. If it hasn't melted after a while, that just means it hasn't been long enough. Keep waiting. It'll melt eventually.

Best used for: For that summer moment when the ice in your drink is halfway gone

Whether you get a typhoon day comes down to one clear rule: if they announce the closure, you're off; if they don't, you're working. So the main reason you're still at your desk today is that your city wasn't on the list.

Best used for: For the office chat where everyone is refreshing the closure announcements

After extensive research, the reason you sleep badly in summer is usually that there is a mosquito. The spots it bit you itch. The spots it didn't bite you don't. So wherever you're scratching at 3am is exactly where it's been. Where it is right now, it isn't saying.

Best used for: For the moment you flip the light on at 3am and it has completely vanished

Sunscreen is brutally honest about its results: the parts you covered don't tan, the parts you missed do. So by the end of summer, the line across your shoulder tells everyone exactly how far your hand reached before you decided that was probably enough.

Best used for: For the group chat after a beach day, once the tan lines show up

The garbage truck runs on a very simple principle: if you're there when it comes, your trash goes; if you're not there, it stays. Anyone whose bin is overflowing this week was mostly just somewhere else at the time.

Best used for: For the neighbor who also heard the truck's jingle fading into the distance

Everyone has a trick for picking a watermelon, but there are only two outcomes: you cut it open and it's red and sweet, or you cut it open and it isn't. Until then, what you're holding is an unopened watermelon.

Best used for: For the family member thumping every melon at the market in peak summer

"Free 30-day trial" is actually stated very clearly: the first 30 days are free, and starting day 31, they aren't. So as long as you remember to cancel before day 31, you'll cancel before day 31. The catch is, the people who remember were always going to remember, and the people who forget just forget.

Best used for: For the friend whose phone is quietly feeding eight subscriptions they meant to cancel

The forecast says a 50% chance of rain today, meaning there's half a chance it rains and half a chance it doesn't. So if it rains, you're in the half where it rained; if it doesn't, you're in the half where it didn't. Whether you bring an umbrella changes nothing about the percentage.

Best used for: For the coworker staring at the weather app deciding whether to grab an umbrella

Loyalty stamp cards have a very kind rule: fill all ten stamps and you get a free cup; fall short of ten and you don't. Whether you fill it depends on whether you fill it. And usually, the day you hit stamp nine and you're one step from the free one, the card vanishes.

Best used for: For when you dig an expired stamp card out of the depths of your wallet

Expiration dates are refreshingly honest: before the date, it hasn't expired; after the date, it has. As for whether expired food is still safe to eat, the answer is equally clear — the safe ones are safe, and the unsafe ones aren't.

Best used for: For standing at the fridge debating a suspicious tub of yogurt with your roommate

A website makes you type a code to prove "you're not a robot." The proof is actually very simple: get it right and you pass; get it wrong and you try again. As for those warped, unreadable letters — the people who can read them can read them, and the people who can't, can't.

Best used for: For the moment a captcha calls you a robot for the third time and you're ready to throw the keyboard

Charging your phone works like this: plug it in and the battery slowly climbs; unplug it and it starts dropping. And once it hits 100%? It stops climbing — because there's nowhere higher left to go.

Best used for: For the friend whose phone lives at 1% and still refuses to plug it in

The snooze button is honestly quite thoughtful: press it once and the alarm returns in a few minutes; press it again and it returns in a few more. You keep pressing until you're late. And 'late' means there is no longer enough time.

Best used for: Send to the coworker also losing a fight with their alarm at 7am on a Monday

Subscriptions spell the rules out quite clearly: as long as you don't cancel, it keeps renewing you; the moment you cancel, it stops. As for whether you actually use it — that question has no bearing whatsoever on the charge going through.

Best used for: For when you scan your statement and find three subscriptions you forgot to cancel

When you forget your password, the site kindly asks you to reset it. And the new one usually can't be the same as the old one. This poses no difficulty at all, seeing as you didn't remember the old one to begin with.

Best used for: For the Nth time you hit 'forgot password' — send to the family member also wrestling with the login screen

A bathroom scale is an honest machine: step on it and it shows your weight; step off and it shows nothing. As for why the number is higher than last time — it only reports the how-much, not the why.

Best used for: Take before stepping on the scale after the holidays, when you need to brace yourself first

The printer works perfectly fine — it only jams when you're in a hurry. So as long as you're not in a hurry, it won't jam. The catch is that when you're not in a hurry, you don't need it either.

Best used for: For when the printer starts blinking red five minutes before the meeting — send to the coworker also losing it

Software update notes usually say: fixed known issues. As for the unknown issues, you'll only find out about them next update — when you learn this update was the one that created them.

Best used for: For when an app gets worse after updating — drop it in the group chat to vent

You take a screenshot so you'll remember it later, but later you never open it again. So the real function of a screenshot is to move the thing you're afraid of forgetting somewhere you'll never look again.

Best used for: Take when your phone says 'storage full' and you scroll through a wall of screenshots you can't explain saving

The way a fan cools you down is by blowing the already-hot air onto you. So it doesn't actually cool the room — it just gets the hot air moving and pretends to help.

Best used for: For a scorching day with only a fan and no AC — send to the family member sweating alongside you

A discount means: you spend money, and then save the part of the money you were never going to spend anyway. So the more you buy, the more you save — and what you save comes out to exactly what you overspent.

Best used for: Send to yourself to cool down right before your finger slips on a 'spend $1000 get $100 back' deal

Your summer electricity bill is brutally honest: you use a certain amount of power, and it charges you for that amount of power. So the month the bill gets fat is usually the month you ran the AC longer. As for why it's higher than last year — it's hotter this year, and you like being cold.

Best used for: For the group chat where everyone is posting screenshots of their summer bill

The forecast says 96 degrees, feels like 108. That means the thermometer thinks it's 96, and you think it's 108. Neither of you is lying. It's just that you're the one standing in the sun, and the thermometer isn't.

Best used for: Send it to whoever is about to walk out for lunch with you

Bubble tea sweetness levels are labeled very clearly: full sugar is all of the sugar, half sugar is half of the sugar, and no sugar is none of the sugar. So if your drink isn't sweet enough, you probably ordered one of the less sweet ones.

Best used for: Drop it in the chat while everyone agonizes over the group order form

A robot vacuum's results are perfectly clear: the places it drove over get clean, and the places it didn't don't. So if the living room is spotless and the bedroom isn't, it simply never went in there. As for why it's wedged under a chair leg — it drove in, and then it couldn't drive out.

Best used for: Caption for the photo of it stuck in the same corner for the third time this week

The make-up workday rule is stated very plainly: the extra day off up front gets paid back later. So the reason you're working this Saturday is that you weren't working last Friday. No day was ever added. It was only moved.

Best used for: For the 7am commute on a make-up workday, sent to whoever is on the same train

Bike share works on a very clear rule: you can borrow only where there's a bike, and return only where there's an empty dock. The trouble is that those two things are rarely the same station. So the extra distance you ride is the distance to a place you never needed to go.

Best used for: For standing in front of a full dock, deciding whether to ride five more minutes to the next one

A transit card runs on very simple logic: enough balance, the gate opens; not enough, it doesn't. So that louder beep isn't a malfunction. It's the card announcing your finances to the entire line behind you. Top it up and the gate opens. As for why there's always someone ahead of you feeding coins into the machine one at a time, the card takes no responsibility for that.

Best used for: For the morning the gate stops you with ten people waiting, sent to whoever else is late

A dehumidifier's job is to move water out of the air and into a tank. When the tank fills, it stops. You pour the water down the sink, and it starts again. So what you bought isn't a machine. It's a long-term position carrying water from your bedroom to your sink by hand. As for why the water never runs out, you live on an island.

Best used for: For the third tank of the day, when you start suspecting the water is growing on its own

Dishes in the sink increase because someone puts them there. Dishes in the sink decrease because someone washes them. Usually those are two different people. When you live alone, they are the same person. So you're not in a standoff with your roommate. You're in a standoff with yourself from three hours ago.

Best used for: For standing at the sink deciding whether today is a washing day, sent to whoever else has a pile

You can usually work out why the power tripped: you ran the AC, the cooktop and the dryer at the same time, and then there wasn't enough of it. The fix is simple too. Push the breaker back up and the power returns. The awkward part is the dark hallway, where you go looking for a flashlight that lives inside your phone, which is charging, in the outlet that just went out.

Best used for: For the third outage of the summer, when you've memorized where the breaker box is

The host asks how many, you say two, and she writes a 2 on the list. Then she says, "About twenty minutes." What that means is: before twenty minutes are up, you have no table; after twenty minutes are up, you might still not. A table opens when the people at it finish, and the time they finish is not written anywhere on that list.

Best used for: For minute eighteen outside the door, when you start tracking how far along the table by the window is

Everyone's family explains the steamer the same way: one cup of water in the outer pot, press the switch, it's done when it pops up. The problem is that nobody has ever agreed on how big the cup is. And popping up only means the water is gone, not that the food is cooked. So what the pot is actually measuring is your personal understanding of "one cup."

Best used for: For the first time you steam something yourself, staring at the switch waiting for it to click

Clothes need sun to dry. When there is sun, they dry. So hanging laundry in summer is simple: sun in the morning, you put the clothes out; thunder at three, you bring them back in. What comes back in is wetter than what went out, but that isn't a failed attempt at drying laundry. That is the full laundry process.

Best used for: For the first clap of thunder at three, when you text home to get the laundry off the balcony

Everyone gives the same advice about buying offerings for the office altar: get something that looks generous, and get something people will actually eat. The spirits receive the gesture. The contents of the box get received by your coworkers. So if half the snacks are gone the next morning, that isn't proof the ritual worked. It means the team next door stayed late.

Best used for: For late August, when the incense is still burning and someone is already eyeing the box of chips

Why summer break ends is printed right there on the calendar: school starts on the thirty-first. So nobody stole your summer. It only ever ran up to that day. As for the homework, the rule is just as plain: whether you do it or not, the thirty-first arrives. The only difference is whether you spend that morning asleep or writing.

Best used for: For the last week of August, when the whole family is pretending not to see the workbook

Your phone says the storage is full. There are exactly two ways out: delete some photos, or pay. You open the album ready to delete, and find you can't part with a single one, because you only took them thinking they were worth keeping. So you pay. What you're buying isn't storage. It's not having to decide.

Best used for: For the small monthly charge you keep paying without ever opening the album to sort it

The greeting system at a breakfast shop is remarkably stable: you walk in, and you are handsome or gorgeous. That call gets made without you looking up, and without you having washed your hair. As for saying "the usual" — only people who come in every day can pull it off. Show up once every three months and "the usual" turns into a question.

Best used for: For 7:30 a.m., when you get greeted like a celebrity and still can't decide what to order

Someone actually counted, and there are fourteen Valentine's Days in a year. The math is straightforward: if you're seeing someone, you celebrate fourteen times. If you're not, you get reminded fourteen times. The holiday doesn't take a side. It just prints your existing situation in a slightly larger font.

Best used for: For mid-August, when the ads start rolling in and you only wanted to get through the month quietly

The almanac says autumn starts today. Then you step outside into ninety-seven degrees. There's no contradiction here. The calendar announces, the weather happens, and the two have never had to agree beforehand. So autumn really has arrived. It just hasn't told the sun yet.

Best used for: For the early-August days when the word autumn shows up on the calendar and the AC still can't be turned off

Hotels will tell you summer rates are higher because demand is higher. Why is demand higher? Everyone is on vacation. Why is everyone on vacation? Because it's summer. So there is exactly one way to dodge both the crowds and the prices: don't travel when you have time off. It works perfectly. The cost is that you don't get a trip.

Best used for: For the three seconds after the booking page says only one room left, at twice the usual rate, and you click anyway

People swear it always rains right after you wash the car. Here's what actually happened: you washed it ten times this year, and twice it rained the next day. You remember those two. The other eight left no impression at all. Washing the car doesn't summon rain. Clean cars are just the ones you notice it landing on.

Best used for: For the five minutes between pulling out of the car wash and the first drops on the windshield

Ask your dad what he wants for Father's Day and he'll say nothing. Nothing, in this case, rarely means nothing. It means he'd rather not think about it. So if you buy something, he'll ask why you wasted the money, and then use it for years. If you don't, he won't say a word, and will remember it for just as long. The need was there the whole time. It simply never shows up in the answer.

Best used for: For the week before Father's Day, when nobody in the family group chat has volunteered to book a table